Just How Life Works

I sat at home and cried, cried because I'm not the one. My heart is breaking, I can feel the hurt inside breaking through my chest. "Pregnant!" my friend said, "I'm pregnant!" Excitement shone throughout her whole body. She was radiating joy and anticipation. I sat there...afraid, afraid I'd make a sad or angry or even resentful face. "Wow...that's so exciting...I, I'm happy for you. How...how exciting." I stammered, not knowing what else to say. Should I say I was jealous? Should I tell her we'd been trying? Trying for over three years!? Trying everything that we could, every new invention on the market - we'd even been the object of case studies...yet I still remained childless. Still waiting to become mom. :"Now you guys have to have kids too! Then we can be mommies together and experince to joys of motherhood and pregnancy and everything!" She'd decided all these plans for our kids, all the things I wanted. I couldn't even respond to that. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I held the little outfit I had bought on our honeymoon. The little booties barely fit over two of my fingers. Tears streamed down my cheeks. Three years of trying, yet nothing to show for it. Over time it felt as if anger had just built in my heart, as if God was angry with me...as if He didn't even care. So much effort and time and heart ache put in to bearing a child. And now to add more heart ache on top of that. I have to tell my husband our best friends are having a baby. I had to say those horrible, unthoughtful, and definitely not God given, words. He'll be crushed as well. He'd been so excited to raise a son; to teach him how to play hockey and how to throw a football like a "man." He wanted to teach him to be a gentleman...at least that's what he said three years ago. Now so much time had passed, our hearts ripped out and stompt upon. I sat there a while longer screaming at God inside my head, inside my heart, trying to decide if God was tourturing us more by allowing them to have a baby, when WE truly wanted a child. Why all this...when we'd been trying so hard? Why would this happen right in front of us? Why?

What Did You Know?

In listening to Christmas music...I have always liked the song "Mary Did You Know" because it's such a powerful song with amazing lyrics. Imagine being this young girl pregnant with the son of God, your family doesn't believe you, your friends have abandoned you and your husband has only now seen a vision from God and is accepting you and your child. Imagine trying to have great faith for a miraculous event. The words state so many things the Bible says Jesus did:
Mary, did you know? The blind will seeThe deaf will hearAnd the dead will live againThe lame will leapThe dumb will speak… ...Mary, did you knowThat your baby boy is lord of all creation? Did you knowThat your baby boy will one day rules the nations? Did you knowThat your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb? This sleeping child youre holdingIs the great I am
Don't you think that would make all the pain and suffering she went through seem to disolve like snow in a fire? As though her small sacrifice would free the world around her? Her sacrifice could heal her wounds, pain and take away her burdens. Do you think God's saying that today...about your little one? Did know...they'll be a great architech? They'll invite a cure for cancer? Or maybe they'll serve the lost accross the seas?
Or maybe, just maybe it is what God is saying to each of us? Lindsay did you know? ... did you know that you'll do this? Did you know that you'll be that? What if we are too stubborn to listen? Or have run too far to hear? Just what if today we could hear the great things about our lives?
If only we'd listen...

The Fire Dies Low

It's so easy for the consistency to be absent. Very probable her flame will die low. The truth she tends to forgo. Her heart and mind never in complete agreement.
How hard she must work to keep the flame strong. To feed it the food it needs to stay alive, week to week. More and more she realizes just how far from strong she is, how she tends to be so weak.
The frustrations and afflictions always seem to be because of her failure to believe. Her trust is so limited. Her abilities and life far too much for her to believe. She can never understand all that lies ahead.
Her life held not in His hand, but grasp wrongfully in her own. The moments she hands it over, the limited and few, flourishing with life and always brand new. She's afraid of letting go, afraid of the unknown.
Working hard to fan the flame. Working to keep faith in her fire. Always a task, always a goal for which she must aim. Yet it still seems so much more than she'll ever acquire.
Her life not hers to have, she doesn't understand these circumstances. Never enough strength or will to carry on inside. Feeling she's placed it all up to very unlikely chances. But she doesn't know how much He's already thought to provide.

Grace

So I was just searching Google online for something and this showed up under my search:
Grace at TargetFind Grace Online. Shop & Save at Target.com Today.www.Target.com

Sometimes I wish I could just go online and purchase some grace from Target or any online store at that. Just an easy quick fix, right? But thankfully...grace is free. But there is a catch, it means we must humble ourselves to receive the grace...we must realize the mistakes we've made and decide to accept that grace. If only it was simple enough to stay at home, shop online in our pajamas and purchase that grace without anyone knowing. But when we receive the grace, it becomes evident to those around us. We can't stay the same person with that grace in our lives. We change...we become a person who shows grace to others as well. Once we have it and are full, we start to overflow...overflow to others. That's the ripple effect of grace. It can't just stay in one place. It goes out further and further. Grace is meant for all...but we can be selfish with it. We can hold it to ourselves, enjoying the peace we've found because of that grace. Or maybe we just take advantage of it. Maybe we just know it'll always be there and we no longer hold tight to it. Not letting it go. Then we start to put it on a shelf and come back to it when necessary. But that isn't how this grace works. This grace works out of passion, love and mostly sacrifice. This grace is for you once...once that should cover your life; mistakes and every direction you go. But you can give up the grace, you'll give it up if you aren't holding on to it. If you don't cherish every moment filled with that grace.

So why are you holding your grace and not letting others have some as well?

LUMO:One Woman's Struggle to Heal in a Nation Beset By War

If you've never felt compelled to help another person, another race, another country or even someone in need...please see LUMO: One Woman's Struggle to Heal a Nation Beset By War.

Lumo is a woman amongst the hundreds of women being treated by the organization Heal Africa in the Democratic Republic of the Congo for the fistula she endured. These women were violently raped and many brutally wounded. This is Lumo's story; her struggle for freedom, life in Christ and healing.

LUMO is playing at the Oak Street Cinema - 309 Oak St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN, 55414 – this Thursday at 7 and 9 PM.

For more information or a preview...

http://www.gomafilmproject.org/
www.pbs.org/pov/lumo/ - http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2007/lumo/update.html

What if...?

What if you never get to say goodbye? Or rather never get to say I love you? Or even, I'm sorry? What if the words stay stuck in your throat, holding there afraid to whisper past your lips? Afraid those little words would change the world around you, afraid that life would rotate to the opposite of its current position. What if you let too much time go by? Let life dwindle away as the salt through the hour glass. Each moment of time slipping though from the present into the past, seeming so slow yet it’s gone before you’ve even realized the moment was yours to have. What if you don't forgive? What if you hang on to the bitterness and pain? Letting the hurt eat at your soul, letting the pain multiply with each passing day. Causing your heart to harden; becoming like bricks that lay the basis for a hardened home, an angry place. What if you lived in fear? Fearful of tomorrow, of hurt and pain; fearful of what may be. So afraid you never let yourself live life to the fullest. What if you forget to call? What if you break your plans? What if you hold on to yesterday and forget that tomorrow is still coming? What if you lived wholly in the past and never embraced the future and change as it came?

But what if you just let go of all inhibitions? What if you truly loved? What if you placed life on a pedestal and not the material things you think about so often? What if you lived for others and not yourself? What if you let it all go?

What if today was your last day?

She's Lost It All

She's lost it all. Everything she worked to gain; now she's landed upon her face. She'd put her life into so many things and they've vanished. It seems as if the fog that was blinding her for so long has lifted and she's been left with much of nothing at all. Life before was so easy, almost as if a big wave had come and she'd ridden upon the crest for so long. Riding high and living without apprehensions. Now the wave has crashed, descended upon her life and taking everything down in its wake. The spindrift splashed upon all that is her life. Remnants are strewn about, having suffered the dynamism of the wave. Broken pieces assimilated with other fragments of the world she had built. Lying amongst the rubble, she is incapable of pulling herself together. She must look for help. But she's afraid and unsure where to turn. It seems as if she does turn for help and ends upon her face yet again. Is she forever stuck in this insanity? Or can she recuperate and recover her life? If not for her sake, for the sake of those around her?

Let Go

I realized today how angry I could still be. How much it could still bother me. Remembering how they hurt me, it brought tears to my eyes. The pain I went through, then being fed so many lies. So many things promised to me. I thought it was the best, everything it ever should be.

The one moment that changed my life. As a slap to the face, even through all I had sacrificed. Then things weren't so grand. That was the moment when things were no longer as planned.Almost as if a switch had been turned. Everything changed, lies came into the light and I felt burned.

I gave and gave, hoping for so much more. Then I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell to the floor.Doing my best to still be positive and do what I should. Never feeling like it was enough, try as I could.Down the gutter I fell right where they sent me. Feeling trapped, suffocated, I struggled to get free.

Eventually the truth was revealed and my eyes were opened. I learned the truth about what was spoken.My pain and anguish left unspoken. I walked away with more than my heart broken. Running as fast as I could I tried to get away from everything around me. Leaving behind the friends, pain and even the God I thought He should be.

But today I live as though I've been set free. Continually forgiving and letting Him lead.Seeing what good in it all I can find. Still knowing people always act their kind.Knowing I have to give Him the control. If I do, it will heal my soul.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Pt 2

The Extreme Home Makeover big REVEAL is today! The Swenson-Lee family is on the way home from their vacation. Today Ty, Paige, Michael, Paul, and Taylor along with the TBJ Homes crew, family and all the spectators will shout, "Move that bus" at 2! The Swenson-Lee family will now have a home that is; OVER 5,700 square feet, three stories, seven bedrooms, five bathrooms, two laundry rooms, three-car garage, over $200,000 worth of landscaping, a greatroom with a mural looking up in downtown Minneapolis, a hot tub, huge playroom, a fountain memorial in the backyard, a play ground, volleyball court, a huge scholarship fund raised by their friends and the community and so much more! (Their previous home was 2 stories, three bedrooms. two and half bath, 2,700 sq ft.) Erik and Vicki Swenson, their three kids Samantha (10), Stella and Olivia (18 mo) - Vicki is pregnant due in Nov - along with the Lee kids; Taylor (12), Ty (10), Trevor (8) and Tara (6) will get to see what the entire community has put together for them! The Swenson-Lee family did not know they were chosen for the show until the door knock. They had been informed they may be in the top five for Minnesota to allow time for the contractors and designers to evaluate their property and current home. They have a brand new home built in 99 hours - a project that would take 6-9 months without any hold ups! This is the single largest structure 'Extreme Makeover, Home Edition' has ever built...and it's the 100th episode of the show! So get ready to watch Minnesota and this great community in action on November 25th!

If you want to take a look at the pictures, family info and the home:www.project508.com

Some interesting and heartbreaking facts -
Taylor Lee was 9 when she was in a car wreck with her dad; she came out with scrapes and bruises, while he was killed on the scene. Terri Lee did everything by the books and more. She told the police, "He's going to kill me!" and Steve did. She even had her boyfriend, Tim, carry a hand gun and had an alarm system installed. The police let Steve out of jail on $7,500 AFTER he attacked Terri with two large knives, in her own home. ($7,500 didn't even cover Terri's funeral costs.) Taylor was 12 when she crawled into bed to sleep with her mom and Tim, afraid of Steve. She huddled under the covers at 4:18 in the morning when Steve broke into the house. She hid under those covers while Steve killed Terri and Tim beside to her. She instructed the police as to Steve's location in the home and for his apprehension. (Tim was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prision without parole.) Taylor now is a violence and abuse advocate along with her aunt Vicki. Vicki has written a bill that will go to legislature this year in hopes to be passed as a law. On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. Chances are one in three of your know someone who has been physically abused (not including mental or sexual abuse) by their husband or boyfriend in the past year alone. Between 3.3 and 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence a year.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Pt 1

My Extreme Makeover Home Edition...thoughts, joys and late nights...

My mum, aunt Donna, cousin Michelle and roommate Mandy went to volunteer with Extreme Makeover Home Edition last night. I had checked and they seemed to need more volunteers during the night hours, than during the day. Several companies/groups had signed up to work during the day shifts. So my mum, aunt, cousin and I headed to Minnetonka to get involved. I invited Mandy along the way...and she was excited to participate as well. I LOVE the show and was very excited to hear what they were doing for the Swenson/Lee family! I have co-workers who are great friends of the family...and their story is such a heart breaking story. For all the love, compassion and motivation this family has had through such difficult times, they more than deserve a brand new home.

I found out their family was confirmed for the show the end of last week...and sent the info on to some family and friends checking if anyone else wanted to be involved. The family knew they were in the top 5 picked to be apart of the show, but didn't know for sure until the door knock on day 1 and off to Disney World for them!! The second day the Swenson/Lee's items completely packed and stored. Everything else in the home; from the hardwood floors, to the windows, all the way to the TV's, couches and such were donated to local churches, charities and organizations. In came the bulldozers and wrecks to tear that home down! After that the foundation was poured and the framing flew up!

When we were onsite last night the family and roof were complete. In a few short hours not only did the house begin to look like a house - but the home was wired, insulated, sheet rocked, roofed, windows were installed and a deck appeared! Their schedule went something like this: electical 11, insulation 12, roof/windows 1, plastic sheeting over insulation, final touches before sheetrock complete by 3 for the rockers to move in, 5 am siding!! This home is the LARGEST single structure that Extreme Makeover has built for a family...with OVER seven bedrooms (seven on the 3rd floor alone!), 4 bathrooms and a HUGE walk-out basement. This family will truly be blessed! It also will be built in record time...less than 96 hours! This home would usually take over six to nine months to build.

Extreme Makeover does 4....four! homes a month...that means at least one a week...because it usually takes seven days to complete a home. The family of Tom Budzynski of TJB Contractors is the family volunteering their time, services and labour for this project. They were only contacted FOUR weeks ago to get this planned. They came up with the design, time frame and infostructure for this project in a VERY short time.

I'm headed back today and tomorrw...so I'll keep you updated where the progess is at. Lets keep great weather, safety in our prayers...and the Budzynski family who is overseeing all construction and contracting for the home....as well as Swenson/Lee family as they are on a great vacation!

Let me say...if Extreme Home Makeover is coming to your area of the country - get involved! Volunteers are always appreciated and it's such an amazing thing to not only watch the speed and ability of the project, but to know that family who so greatly deserves a new home is being blessed!

If you'd like to see pictures along the way or learn about the Swenson/Lee family - PLEASE read their story - or learn about TJB Homes and the Budzynski family...take a look at the website www.project508.com/!!

Let Go

I realized today how angry I could still be. How much it could still bother me. Remembering how they hurt me, it brought tears to my eyes. The pain I went through, then being fed so many lies. So many things promised to me. I thought it was the best, everything it ever should be.

The one moment that changed my life. As a slap to the face, even through all I had sacrificed. Then things weren't so grand. That was the moment when things were no longer as planned.Almost as if a switch had been turned. Everything changed, lies came into the light and I felt burned.

I gave and gave, hoping for so much more. Then I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell to the floor.Doing my best to still be positive and do what I should. Never feeling like it was enough, try as I could.Down the gutter I fell right where they sent me. Feeling trapped, suffocated, I struggled to get free.

Eventually the truth was revealed and my eyes were opened. I learned the truth about what was spoken.My pain and anguish left unspoken. I walked away with more than my heart broken. Running as fast as I could I tried to get away from everything around me. Leaving behind the friends, pain and even the God I thought He should be.

But today I live as though I've been set free. Continually forgiving and letting Him lead.Seeing what good in it all I can find. Still knowing people always act their kind.Knowing I have to give Him the control. If I do, it will heal my soul.

Awaiting the Inevitable

What do you do when you know you're about about to encounter something you've been avoiding, avoiding in the greatest way possible? My heart starts beating fast, I literally can feel it in my chest and hear it pounding in my head. I start to get slightly dizzy and I tend to get nauseaus. The dizziness attributing to the stomach churning. I start to feel scared, because for as much as you avoid something, it's typically quite imminent that you can't avoid it forever. Usually, you run SMACK into whatever you've been avoiding. Sometimes it's ok and other times it feels like you've hit a wall. Then what? There tends to be some awkwardness and discomfort. There tends to be pain and anguish from past happenings. Now what, how do you work through it? How do you keep your head on straight through what you've so difficultly avoided? How do you live after this?

Sometimes...the inevitable just happens.

Lament

Believing for a miracle, yet we see none. She's only four and her life's just begun. Fearful of what is happening, how can this be? It seems as though You are just letting things be. Under the knife the doctors say. Yet each day we hope and pray. Still there's nothing; all we feel is emptiness and pain. Each day passing, time moving like a fast train. Our hearts breaking, she can't take much more. The time for a miracle has flown right out the door.

He lived his life for You. To family and friends he bid adieu. Sacrificed everything and flew across the oceans far. Living with the lowly and in the worst of places by far. Yet one day they saw him talking and heard the words he spoke. Amongst screams and tears all anyone saw was the gun smoke. A life given, then taken so swift. The impact he left, none can shift.

So many lives taken in those moments of time. They flew our planes, over our country, on our dime. Into buildings and into the countryside. So many lives affected, thousands of people died. Fear gripped our nation. Yet we drew back to the country's great foundation. Binding together and growing stronger. Angered we decided we can't take this any longer. Sending our men and women to fight. Even more lives has been lost in this great plight.

Why do these things happen? How can they persist? We can never understand why war and bloodshed exists? No good comes of it, nothing but wrong. Lives stretched and heartbreak continuing on for so long. Are You allowing it? Where is Your hand. Torture, fear and pain do You permit? There's not much more we can stand.

You Want Me to Read Your Mind?

How can you expect me to read your mind, and know all you're thinking and the expectations you given me? How can you assume...anything when you've said nothing? These expectations laid out before us, yet I haven't a clue what they truly are. I can start to make guesses at what you've conjured up, but then I get more frustrated. I find it funny how a thousand things come to mind to say; yet why should I say anything when you've said nothing at all? You get angry and it starts to make me mad. These ridiculous circles, games played out like children. Why can't you get the nerve to speak your mind; because then I could live my life? I feel as though you've thrown our friendship down the drain, but I'm the one who had to make the choice to act upon it. You've set me up, set me up to lose you as a friend. And it all because you can't even say what's inside your head.

A Fork In The Road

You've lived your life waiting, waiting to be that one. Now you're going to throw it all away, saying your done. Your impatience is the key, the cause of your faltering. You can't pretend it isn't true, you can't pretend it's really you. Love you can and love you must; but this isn't real love you can't fool us. Everyone excited, everyone looking for the reality; but there's none, none for any of us to see. Now we're floating, moving quickly to the finality. Life seems as though it's a dream, like we're flowing down a foggy stream. What can be said? Who can forebode what is ahead? The rest is up to you...two paths - change the future or go through and suffer the wrath. The future to you nothing, living as you please, in your hand lies the keys. You've lived your life, now you must walk away or make her your wife.

As painful as it may be; the choice, to us, seems clarity.

Sacrifice Easily Forgotten

How can you avoid them when they walk in the room? You give them your looks of disdain, uncomfort and disgust. They have given their lives, time and, for most, everything they once had. You see their aberrations with fear and bashfulness, yet they smile at you with joy and sacrifce of pride. All self respect due to the life they gave for you. Stumbling about, struggling with the smallest of tasks or living a life of depression and fear, they gave their American dream up for yours. Their lives a complete antipode of what it once was. Living in the darkest of places, without sleep or food, missing their family and loved ones for many months, seeing others around them die or wounded just before a painful deteriment of their own. Living as though they have the best place in the world, living as though others don't avoid or treat with unnecessary illease, they live each day to the fullest. Loving wholeheartedly, giving and never asking for anything in return, knowing today may be the last.
Honor those who have sacrificed courageously for the very breath you breathe. Never forget the freedom you have is faught for each day.

http://profile.myspace.com/38176476..OCW('http://msnbc.com/modules/flash_mediateam/ps_070316_ScarsIraq_TyZiegel','int775x540','width=775,height=540');

Enjoy the Moment

Enjoy the moments of life. Sit and enjoy coffee with a good friend, or sister. Don't rush through it. Go to a concert and savor every word, not sitting anxiously awaiting your favorite song or two. Love the kisses and hugs from your baby, because all too soon he'll be twelve and run from your affection. Smell the roses, so cliche, but how often do you truly do it? Schedule time for you, schedule an hour for reading a book. Watch the sunset, otherwise it'll just grow dark around you without any notice of your surroundings. Get up early and go for a run. Watch the sun as is makes it's glorious entrance to the world; dancing it's rays on the morning dew, the leaves and flowers smiling back. All while the sun sings "Good morning!" Enjoy school and glean all you can from it, your chance to learn unabashed, for far too soon it'll all be over and you'll face the "real world." Love your job, when retirement comes you want to know it was all for something. Tell the ones you love, you do. They'll be gone far too soon and far too quickly. Love like there is no tomorrow. Always give because giving comes back around. Never hold back, be the real you. If you keep the you inside hidden, no one will know who to love. Smile today, because it's the only one you'll ever have and if you haven't smiled it will be a day wasted.

You Woke Up This Morning

You woke up today...wondering when things had gotten away. You've lost sight of who you are, wanted to be and where you are headed for eternity. It's almost as if you are 1000 miles away from what you wanted, everything taken forgranted. With no clue how you got there, the pain almost too much to bear. You know who made you get to this point, now looking back they've done nothing but dissapoint. The journey seems lost to you now, and why that is you'll never truly know how. The real YOU is strong and has great will to pull through, but now it seems you can't find you. Now you must pick up and move on, and get back to being you, to being strong. It's so easy to sit down and let life hold you back, to keep you from staying on track. The road less traveled hard to choose, but if you don't there's so much you'll loose. Now it's time to push through and make your own path, expect to see others angry and feel their wrath. But life is all you have to live, so never allow anything to keep you from all it has to give.

sigh...what can I say?

So I've been pretty stressed lately about somethings in the forefront of my mind, time and well... life...it all starts to add up and make everything else become stressful too, right? So the last few days things have just been fallin into place. Sometimes you beg, plead and want things to go just so...but usually it's not on our time, it's on a better time. Sometimes you must sit and be silent for a bit, waiting for his time, not out time. Heard a phenom quote today..."Maybe when someone asks for strength they'll get an opportunity to be strong instead of strength. Maybe when someone asks for boldness they'll be put into a situation where they can be bold..."

So I have my opportunity to trust and look for peace and well...I'm pretty stoked about it.
Seems like the big one up there has been screamin at me all day! This is a bit of what I've heard so far (besides the quote above).
John 14
27"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Phil 4
6"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

So I'm looking for opportunities be strong, bold, to love, trust and have peace. What are you going to do?

to be chosen

He walks down the muddy path away from the river. Dragging two heavy jugs, overflowing with murky brown water. His little brother struggles to keep up, moving as quickly as he can. Water is what his mom asked for this morning, barely a whisper of a request. Even talking has become difficult for her. Now it's taken Yusufu over two hours to fetch the water and make his way home. Hoping water will make his mom happy, maybe make her feel better. The doctors said she has the disease; HIV, the disease everyone around him seems to have. His father and aunt passed away last Spring because of this disease. Yusufu stopped playing with his friends a long time ago, he has to help find food. He sees his friends playing outside their huts, laughing and kicking a soccer ball around. He wishes his mom was better, well enough to come out and watch him play soccer as well. Walking into the hut he sees his mom asleep in the corner. Looking at their little food supply he knows that he must go find more today or they won't have enough tomorrow. He pours the murky water in to a wooden cup and wakes his mother. She struggles to take small sips of the water. Yusufu sees tears stream down her cheeks as she lays back onto the dirt beneath. He exits the hut in search of food. He must 'be a man', his dad said before he died, take care of his mom, brother and little sister. A man he tries to be but at ten-years-old a man may be too much for him to handle.

"Someone picked me, someone picked me!" Yusufu came running into his hut. "Food, water and clothes, they told me mom, we get food, water and clothes!" he pauses and then begins to dance around again "I get to go to school!" he dances around his mom as she sits up slowly and a smile on her face. "We get food and clean water, mom, clean water!" Laughing he holds up his first letter. He can't read the words written to him, but they told him he would go to school and learn English. He gets clean water, food and a uniform. New clothes! He looks down at his shirt without one sleeve, pants ripped off just below the knees held up with a string he'd found on the roadside one day. "I knew someone would choose you, Yususfu. Everything is going to be better now." his mother struggles to say. He smiles knowing deep down anything can happen now.

www.healafrica.org
www.hopewalks.org
www.compassion.com

A Toast to You!

So I have some of the greatest friends...I've come to realize this of late. They are always there for me when I need it. Always got my back when I least expect it. And most importantly, we've been through a lot. So, if you're a friend of mine here's a toast (I found a quite cheesy and amusing) to you!


Here's to my friends.

Here's to my compadres. They call just to say, "hey"! And tell me, "he was a jerk anyway." They love me everyday.

Here's to my pals. The greatest guys and gals. We have fun out on the town or just chillin at the mall.

Here's to my buddies. They are so funny! They keep my days bright and sunny.

Here's to my friends. The best people you could ever find. They help me anytime I'm in a bind.

Here's to my friends...they've are the best they ever could have been!

Excuse me, are you just sitting there?

Excuse me, are you just sitting there?
This world we live in is constantly against itself. Good fighting bad. People killing their own, not feeding their children, raping their women. Then there are people out there protecting the hurt and abandoned, people bringing food around the world. It’s a constant fight, a tug-of-war with the world in-between.
People killing others. Rape, war and pillaging throughout the world. Anger and murder wild among people my age. Drugs, drinking normalcy for the next generation. Heroes and role models teaching young children acting out, making a fool of yourself, doing drugs and drinking underage is what you should do. So often kids will follow someone for the sake of looking cool, rather than for justice, right and wrong.
Death and life are housed in the same place. Disease and new life abundant in every hospital. A baby born into this world we’ve created, a mass of new life into such a dead place.
You have UNICEF bringing food to Africa, getting food to the villages without any hope for tomorrow. Supplying clean water and bringing new life to areas of war. World vision is teaching Africans to enable their skills and help create new jobs. Sponsoring children til they can support themselves and are sponsoring others.
John Mayer writes about “Waiting on the World to Change”, but how can we sit around a wait? Wouldn’t you rather get out and do something…something for the greater good. How can a beauty queen say she wants “world peace” and do nothing to promote that peace?
I can't help but wish for the day when there will be peace. When there won't be people pitted against each other constantly... when we will no longer need the PeaceCorps, United Nations, World Vision, Feed the Children and UNICEF. Someday we can live in love.

17 "Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind... 19the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. 20 "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth; he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed.... 22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat. For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will long enjoy the works of their hands.. 24 Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. 25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together...

Get a Good Laugh...

So Friday night I almost died...well not really but it could have happened. I stopped by my parent's house in Prior Lake for a few minutes. My aunt had just gotten in town from Cali and I wanted to say hi. I left my parent's house and went to get gas.

I got to the gas station and pumped gas. I called my mum as I was finishing getting gas. Mind you, this is Friday evening about 6 and the gas station is BUSY. In the mean time a red pontiac had pulled in at the next pump over and gotten out of his car to punp gas. Next thing I know this car comes peeling into the gas station and the driver opens his door and starts shouting at the driver of the red pontiac. He pulls out a gun, hiding behind his car door and is screaming at the guy, cussing him out and telling him, "get over here, get over here now!" Everyone is moving away from the crazy man. I had gotten off the phone with my mum telling her, "I've got to go there's a man with a gun!" (my poor mother!)

Everyone who was pumping gas got away as fast as they could or ran into the gas station...I ran around my car and behind this Escalde next to me. If I ran for the gas station I'd have been in between the shooter and the guy he was aiming at. The popo got there pretty quickly, I must give props to the PL, Savage and Scott county. They were there in about 1-2 minutes. Crazy man still tried to kill the driver of the pontiac while the cops were yellin, "Driver, throw your keys on the ground. Driver, slowly place your weapon on the ground." He seemed oblivious to the fact that there were about 6-7 squad cars, he was out numbered about 12 to 1! Finally, they tackled him to the ground and took his gun.

So, that was my thrill of Friday night. LOL...I wish I had a camera with to record it. It would have been nice to see the whole thing again...it always goes so fast, right!? But...in Prior Lake? Who'd have thunk...in Prior Lake... lol

Well, happy Monday and enjoy the cooler day today!!

To Be This Kind of Wife

Ruth Graham, Billy Graham's wife passed away yesterday. She lead a life of compassion, kindness and servanthood. Billy Graham released a statement this morning...

"Ruth was my life partner, and we were called by God as a team," Billy Graham said in a statement. "No one else could have borne the load that she carried. She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support."
"I am so grateful to the Lord that he gave me Ruth, and especially for these last few years we've had in the mountains together. We've rekindled the romance of our youth, and my love for her continued to grow deeper every day. I will miss her terribly, and look forward even more to the day I can join her in Heaven."

Oh to be that kind of wife...what a life she lead...

Amazing Grace

so many things in life run out; too quickly and too easily. money seems fly out the windows with bills flying by, and it doesn't grow plentiful on a tree. all the coffee is gone. the good myspace quotes are taken. you can fall out of love, or loose it. forgiveness is too easily lost. time is of the essence and never enough. the commercial free music always ends two songs too soon. flowers fade, dying quickly. summer sun and warmth end fast. lunch breaks seem to be mere seconds. special moments are a whisper on the wind.
and life, life is in our grasp like sand falling to the ground...we hold on to what we can as it fades into the past...

but grace. grace is the one thing each of us truly needs. grace never ends, it doesn’t run out. it forgives no matter what. it takes time to listen and earn trust. it loves unceasingly

grace is always enough

it's never what it seems

it's never what it seems. never what you'd said to me. nor what i've thought it would be...

never ending, always beginning and more so exciting. very caring and always inviting. a fun dance and song so loving.

the picture you played out for me. a rush excitement and a grand color scheme. all very thrilling it would seem.

til I said enough of this game. because i felt the shame. it came along with the hurt and pain.

i ran as fast as i could. to get as far away as i should.. saddened and afraid as it never should.

now forgive, i must. to be kind and just, never cussed. and mostly to learn to trust.

In this Place

They've come for different reasons. To get away from it all. For the peace and the quiet, the direction most of all.
She sits silently sobbing. Wishing she knew how to take care of her son and daughter now that he's left them. Looking down at her boy asleep in her lap, tears stream down her face. Later she'll tell her daughter it was because of God's grace.
Angry he sits on the pew staring up at his wife, she stands singing the songs. He wishes he could get up and escape hating this place. Apprearances all too important he puts on a happy face.
Sitting in the back, her hat perfectly in arranged. After over eighty sitting here she feels the peace. Closing her eyes as she prays for her last days.
They all sing the same songs of praise, hear the minister's words and say grace. But what about the meaning of it all? Will any take their experience and live to see His face?

Without Any Strings Attached

Without any strings attached. Keeping your heart in check. Without the "I'm sorry" note. Without the hint of bribery. With every intention of love. Without a care in the world. Ever giving, bright and showy. Brings tears to the eyes. Causing a smile to pass your lips. Forever remembered, forever cherished. A love like no other. More greatful than one can speak. More true than you'll ever know.

Flowers from a father...

Your Touch

He passes hundreds of people as he walks down the street to work today. The rush of people hurrying off to work and school, off to play. Bumping in to each other, rushing by with their destinations in mind. The moments when a shoulder grazes another; when a brief case slides past a purse grasped tightly as not to be lost. People collide as they run for the train, the bus, as they slip into the elevator just as the doors are closing. The touch that goes unnoticed, without a care or thought.

A mother caresses her baby's cheek as he smiles back at her. He giggles an awkward muffled laugh begging for her attention. The mother tickles his chest and kisses his toes, the baby laughs again as he is brought into her arms. The warmth of her body envelopes him. The beat of her heart near his a comfort calming as he slowly drifts off to sleep. The touch of care and love, the touch of protection given attentively each day.

Hiding her face she hurries down the street, her hat pulled low on her head. Make-up applied as best as she could trying to hide the bruises she gained last night. They seem to be a single large abrasion these days, the smaller combining to form a black and blue pattern. She knew he would hit her again last night, as he stumbled through the door in a rage. The minutes seemed to pass like days as she fell to his mercies. Never again, she had said, never will he beat me. "Isn't that what you said last time," her best friend and pleaded that morning. The outraged and resentful contusions too great to hide, the pain inside ever growing.

What touch have you given today? What impact have you left? Unnoticed? Uncaring? Loving? Compassionate? Guiding? Unforgiving? Relentless? Angry? Your touch will last a lifetime...

A Change

A change is stirring. A change in where I am going, who I am and what this life shall be. The change that I've been needing, searching for, waiting to arrive. Almost as if the sunrises brings with it my change, the new day brings a new me. Honestly I like me. I am fine with being who I am, but I can't be complacent. It's not what I am isn't what should be; it's what I want to be isn't what I am every day. The moments seem to come and go where I could have been nicer, where I could have been stronger, where I could have helped more. This is where I make a change in me. A change that needs to be.

Trust

What do you do when someone you've loved, trusted and put your life into lies to you? Completely breaks all trust you had with them? What then? Where do you go from there...? When you know that trust will never be restored? Then what do you have left?

nothing...you are nothing without trust...

"Friendship comes from Trust
Trust comes from Love
Love comes from The Heart
The Heart is in US."

Living In A New World

I was thinking about how much life has changed since my family moved back from France. I remember at the time everything seemed so different from when we'd left. Which for those who don't know - the States are quite different than other countries. People just do things different, not necessarily bad nor good. But looking back SO much everything changed in a few years. When I was young we played outside - sticks, dirt and trees were our forts, weapons and horses. Now kids play Game Cube, XBOX or something of the sort. My nephew who's one-and-a-half knows my phone can take a picture or play music. My three-year-old sister will have me take a picture and ask me to put it on myspace! People set up dates online through eHarmony, Match.com instead of meeting someone and asking them on a date...or the good (very) old fashioned personalized dating service (lol...). People send evites for weddings (yes, Audrey! ), send texts to meet up with friends and communicate through email rather than calling and it's proper business protocol. I email with my co-workers 10 feet away constantly throughout the day. I get asked, "You want to text?" rather than asked on a date! We search through the internet coupons that are emailed to us instead of picking up the Sunday paper at the gas station or jump online to check movie times instead of the paper as well. We make plans with friends through text and email, rarely picking up the phone to actually call. Strange how a bit of "technology" changes our communication, which then changes our lives complete! I wonder what another 15 or so years will bring...

will we even speak to the family we live in the same home with?

My Little Bit of Hope

It shimmered brightly and all too deviously for quite some time. Sitting there, catching my eye too often. That small glimmer of hope that was left. It lay dormant, but it was still there. I held on to it and stored it quite deep. Hiding it, so no one would know...yet it danced at the front of my mind all the time. I tried to make it go away; I tried not to think about it, but there it was teasing me. It made me smile, it made me wish and think of what could be. My hold of it tight, keeping it tucked deeply so it wouldn’t get lost.
Now it's vanished in a mere moment of time. Slipped out of my grasp, gone forever. The door slammed shut. I stood there frozen, stunned! I heard the lock slip into place, with a click so loud it made me jump. And the key thrown so far I never quite heard it land at its final resting place. Now I long for my bit of hope back. I long to hold on a while longer. I’m not ready to let go. Wishing I hadn’t let it slide away without my knowing. But it’s settled. It's settled in my heart, though I fear what I'll be left with. Nothing. Without my hope to hold. Without that shiny piece of maybe, maybe it will be. But maybe isn't what I can live with. I can't stick with just a bit of hope. I need more reality.

BitterSweet

Each time someone I know pass away it doesn't seem any easier. It's easy to assume each time should be more manageable. But no, it never seems to be less painful.

I've dealth with death since I was very young. I have a large family and well my parents never hid my sister and I from these difficult situations. They knew it would only make us stronger. Which I am thankful for. I have friends who have never had someone close to them die, I fear the day it happens. Death can be so difficult...and quite confusing to deal with. If you have no hope for tomorrow, then death is quite definite. Heart breaking. Strenuous. With a hope for tomorrow - death isn't necessarily easier to deal with, but ultimately you understand more and you can know lives are better spent in reverance than in suffering. To say BitterSweet.

How does one trudge through the difficulty of loosing a best friend? Loosing someone they have known for years. I guess my Grandpa said it best, "We've had so many wonderful memories together." That's what you do, you cherish those little moments, as they say - it's the small things that count. You never forget the person for who they were, how they loved and what they showed you about life. You keep their memory alive, as in keeping their legacy living on. What about someone who poured countless moments, time and prayer into your life? Is thankfulness the best way to remember and cherish that person's legacy?

Life is but the moments we live brought together. Live each moment in love and caring, with tomorrow in sight.

Is it preaching or indoctrinating?

My "review" or rather...my view of Jesus Camp. The documentary about a female children's pastor from Missouri who hosts a camp each summer in Devil's Lake, South Dakota.

This woman has such passion and desire to train young people and keep them from sin or wrong things. She loves the kids, spends time with them and truly wants to invest into their lives. But that's where my feelings of great stop. The film documents services, interviews with children and the pastor. You start to see forcibly causing a child to believe something, not allowing the option of another answer for a question. I can't but compare it to Muslims; forcibly learning children in the "Evangelical" culture to believe as leaders see fit. I've worked in ministry, at a camp and have seen children learn and grow...but this causes me to ask many questions. In this situation are they just mirroring what they have seen? Truly believe what they are taught? Or being indoctrinated to believe, act and think certain things? How different is this "Evangelical" way of thinking any different than teaching a child to wear a bomb belt, shoot an AK47 and kill at will? This is all for the sake of Allah, their god, correct?

indoctrinate
in·doc·tri·nate
1. to instruct in a doctrine, principle, ideology, etc., esp. to imbue with a specific partisan or biased belief or point of view.
2. to teach or inculcate.
3. to imbue with learning.
—Synonyms 1. brainwash, propagandize.

Strangely - the synonyms to indoctrinate cause it to seem even worse. How could someone who loves God want to forcibly make a child believe the same? Couldn't you learn the child of the Lord and allow them to choose what they believe themselves? How could Evangelical, Charismatic, Protestant, Christian, etc, churches manipulate their beliefs upon a young and pliable mind? Why wouldn't they just teach and allow God to do the changing?

Am I ashamed to have myself labeled as a "Christian" among those who are teaching their beliefs about religion, evangelism, government and politics to the next generation? With people who say they can sway the vote of America by their pulpit? Why is America a democracy if they are not allowing freedom of choice, separation of church and state and the right to vote? Has anyone seen the film/documentary? Do you have any view or insight in it?

Proverbs 22:6
6 "Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it."

I Find It Amusing

I find it amusing people tend to avoid certain blogs I write.... Some blogs people read and have an opinion, then there are these others read and quickly discarded. It tends to be the petty and shallow blogs people love comment and have an opinion. Then the deep or difficult blogs people seem to avoid.

Hmm...Amusing. Can you not handle deep? Or WANT to handle deep? Why is it that we, as a generalization of humans, would rather avoid then address difficult situations? Why do we tend to avoid those hurting, in need or going through a diffuclt time? We walk past the homeless, make fun of the disabled, lie and hurt to our own? Can we learn to love and walk in kindness? Or will our sin nature forever rule us?

The Storm Wouldn't Subside

It's storming again; a fierce threatening storm. The wind whips and whirls about you, looking for anything in its path to rip down and tear apart. The rain falls in floods of white whirling in a sad fight with the wind. They dance about as though each is in control, yet loosing to the other. The lightning flashes as it jumps out to hit its quarry. Like a snake's tongue it slithers out quickly hitting the prey and searching for another target. The flashes of light rapid but quite deadly and unforgiving. Anything along the path is quickly demolished, left to mere rubble and burnt ashes. The thunder grumbles loudly with each flash of lightening. Angry that it isn't noticed by sight, it must keep its presence known. Loudly it bangs, rattling your bones and causing your heart beats faster. East beat of your heart grows louder as the storm drags on. The water has begun to collect, causing floods and standing water. Eroding the ground and road beneath, the surge of water pushes everything out of its way. Further destroying what the wind and lightning have angrily torn apart. Left behind are shards of broken glass, fragments of wood and rubble lying aimlessly along the landscape. The lightning strikes the pieces, teasing and provoking to prove who is in control. Angrily growling the thunder rolls along screaming at the wind and the rain as they fall below, never ceasing their catty dance.

You are left standing there, wishing this battle wasn't. Wishing your head was clear and heart was settled. Wishing you understood why the sun shines outside and this fierce fight is reigning inside of you.

Do Southern Men Truly Out Do Northern Men?

So I've lived in a few different places, especially the past few years. Now I've gone on dates in Minnesota and I've gone on dates in Texas. Well lets just say that MN men don't seem quite as caring or attentive as Texas, or rather, Southern men do. Can someone tell me why? Now, I'm not dogging MN men, but men from the South seem to put more effort into a relationship. The small things are the things always count the most; opening car doors, letting you walk through a door before them, having you order your food before they order, calling you ma'am, just to name a few very petty items. Honestly it was almost culture shock moving to Texas and having guys get annoyed when I opened my own door, didn't order before they did or even walk through a doorway before them. Are men in the South raised with a greater respect for women then men in the North? How terrible would that be? I'm a true Minnesotan and love MN a lot...but where have all the good men gone? Or...maybe they're just back in the South? Hopefully my children will be raised to respect women, even if it's a younger sister. Wouldn't you treat your grandmother well, woud you not for someone you loved and cared about? Strange that "Southern Hospitality" seems to out weigh "Minnesota Nice." Honestly I think MN men probably were the same as Southern men...but time has worn them down? Or were they never equally nice?

Somebody please clarify, maybe I'm wrong but I've heard it from others as well...

Men! Confused? Yeah, me too

I'm just trying to understand men, impossible feat yes, but at least I'll try, right?

1. Why is it that the male species don't call for days...even a couple weeks. Then they call outta the blue and act like nothin. Not that it's a huge deal when you aren't serious or anything, but wouldn't a little effort be nice? Couldn't you text me every couple days? Or email me just to say hey. Or stop by with coffee and muffins. Or maybe try to plan to see each other a bit out. Wouldn't a little showing that you are interested be ideal? HUH??? Cuz I'm about to walk away and forget you just short of a week...only due to my #2 - see below


2. Or they decide they don't want to be involved (or like you, or don't want to be in a relationship, or deal with life or WHATEVER!) and just

stop.


Stop calling. Stop emailing. Stop texting. Stop coming around. Just stop.

A dead stop at that. Almost like you hang out one evening and the next day they don't call, then the next, the next, the next....and so on. No, not almost - it is like that. You're talking one day and then it seems like the door slammed in your face and you weren't even knocking on it!

WTF????? I'm confused? Do you not have a pair? And can you not call and SAY something. It'd be nice to at least know SOMETHING. :) Can anyone help me out in this region? Cuz I thought there were some nice ones, but it seems that the nice ones pull these stunts more than the complete jerk offs.

i'm done

i want out. i can't do this anymore...i can't take the false hope, faith and lies about the future. i don't see the good coming, i don't see the what my heart says might be there. i feel like i'm back at the same position i was so long ago...seemily worse off then it was. i've come to the point of desperation. i feel as though i can't believe anymore. it's the same thing it was...i believe in you and am greatly let down each time i do. i listen to the words said and the things done, then it all falls to pieces. my heart is a wreck, it can't go through this again. i can't understand what you say you'll do and don't, say you have but don't, say you want for me...but it never is. good and not bad, better and not worse...i feel worse, i see more bad and i can't understand even more. i'm not sure that i can trust and understand you like i thought i used to. i'm not sure i have the faith to believe, nor the faith to continue down this road. i want love and life, but i don't know if you give me that...i don't think you do

so I think God made me female on accident

lol...yes I do believe the title I gave this is what I'm thinkin.

I think I'm female on accident. I think God messed up and forgot I was to be a man...no creepy ideas in your heads people - my reasoning...I love sports! Sit me down to watch football, basketball...extreme sports, I'm STOKED! But I adore sports, I love to watch them. I love to play them. I love the excitement of them. And most of all I'm SUPER competitive. This week is brilliant! I watched the NCAA men's bball championship game last night - me and a bunch of guys!?! Tomorrow I'm headed to the Twins game, me and a buncha guys!? Yes and I adore it. I'm alllll for the game.

I can watch football, basketball, soccer, snowboarding, supercross and just about any extreme sport on TV. I absolutely adore going to the games! Baseball. Baseball is the one sport I tend to loathe on TV. Yeah, I'll watch it, but I'm for sure a better Twins fan in my seat at the dome.

So here I live my life as a woman truly devoted to sports. Tomorrow I'll be cheerin from the stands!! :)

cheers.

Nashvegas!!!

sooooo today it's official - i'm headed to Nashville next week!

woooooop wooop! i'm STOKED! I get to see my best friend and chill with her for a short while. she's preggers and i get to see her lil belly once again... and i love me some nashville. the biggest part of it I NEED TO GET AWAY! i need this mini vaca, even if it's just a long weekend away. so - today i thank Jesus for answering my HUGE prayer - "HELP!?!?!?! i need to get away and clear my head for a minute!"


that's the thought for the day...
that and it's snowing in MN! Ick. i thought it was spring!! sicko...i was wishin and hopin and prayin and beggggggggin for warmth and now it's SNOWING! aye dios :)

staying at the table

This weekend at Upper Room Kurt talked about "Staying at the Table". Staying at the table when someone has hurt, wrong, angered or more so...betrayed you...or when you've done any of the same to anyone else. It made me think about all the times I've sat at the table and had a situation similar to this. How many times had I STAYED at the table and fought for a relationship? How many times had I given up and walked away or gotten so angry I didn't want to deal with the situation and because of that left the table?

I look back and see the times where I've done someone wrong and they've stayed at the table and fought for our relationship - fought for our friendship even though I was in the wrong. I see the situations where they were hurt or angry and left the table...left our relationship out of my wrong doing. Then I see the times where someone has done me wrong and and they stayed at the table, wanting forgiveness...there were times when I walked away angry and didn't want to try for the relationship. A few times the relationship was lost and other times we went back to the table and our relationship was restored.

Looking at my life and the times I've been at the table there's been one relationship I've sat there repeatedly. Many times my fault, but sometimes their fault. This relationship has been a struggle...a relationship I've HAD to work at. The other person has had to work at the relationship as well. We disagree, fight and definitely have different points of view, but I've grown greatly through this relationship. I've learned to see through others eyes, I've learned to love and forgive even when your heart is screaming to walk away, to give it all up. Now that I've put so many years into the relationship, I couldn't think to give it up now, could I? The thing is, I could. Very easily when the times are tough I could step away and let it all go. But I'm choosing to work at it, I'm choosing to love and forgive and ask for forgiveness. I'm choosing the harder road. I love this person greatly, and I'd give anything for them. I've battled for their relationship, now I'd battle others for them. I know there will be days when we face each other accross the table once again...but I know it will make us stronger.

Sometimes I wonder if length of relationship is the only reason we stick somethings out. Or may it's because the person is family. Or because we don't want to go through the struggle of loosing someone and the normalcy of having that relationship in our lives? Sometimes we only tough things out because we've already been through a lot with someone. Are we really staying at the table to work things out because we love the person and want to grow through the relationship?

Seeing back at the first "table" I wonder if I would have the strength to do the same? Could I sit at the table with my closest friends and family and KNOW that each one was going to betray me...betray me with their lives and still sit there and break bread with them? Could I do what Jesus did and forgive them ... even before it even happened?

"Surprise Me God" Experience

I volunteer with YoungLife at Minnehaha Academy and YoungLife Capernaum...we're going through April with the "Surprise Me God" experience. I'm going to journal it...I'd love your input and thoughts.

Happy April - join in if you'd like to experience this with me!

http://anotherdayforyou.blogspot.com/

am i drowning or shinning?

Has your brain ever felt like it was swimming with 1000 things? Gah! I feel as though I am going insane. I've got a thousand things on my mind...a thousand things to get done...a thousand decisions to make...a thousand questions needing answers and well...none of it is going to happen today! I have so many changes happening and life seems all to hectic at the moment.

A great part of me feels like I am in a river. A river rushing with water overflowing it's banks, and I'm barely keeping my head above the water. I feel like I'm fighting for life and almost drowning (good thing I had swimming lessons when I was young). Then there's this part of me that is shinning - like the sun on an ever so bright summer day. Those days when the sun is blazing down on you, calling for you to head to the lake and hang out on the boat. Like there's this glimmer of happiness, excitement and hope for everything that's going on. Such newness in my life that makes the future look so enticing.

I see these choices, decisions and very prominent tasks I have, and they're all so great, but most have been sprung on me. Most I wasn't exactly planning on and well...now it's happening. Great! I can take that...but give me a bit of time to prepare for such choices!

Why can't I just be the part that's shinning? Why can't I just stay above water long enough to make it through the next few months? So frustrating...yet so thrilling to have such newness all about me, right?

my little grace...

Live your life the fullest it can be. Don't let go of family, they're all you'll have left in your hardest moments. Don't loose sight of your dreams. Never lay them down for something immediate. The future is always in front of you, but so quickly it becomes today. Learn from your mistakes, but choose to learn from others more often. Guard your heart, don't give it away. When love finds you, don't let go and love with all your being...love true and real. Don't let others hurt you; when you are hurt forgive quickly and move on. Take the smallest of moments, make them count for eternity. Give to others constantly; it will make you forget your own needs. The times you don't want to do something you're prompted to, are the most imminent moments - rise to the occasion. Listen to others; they'll give you life long advice. Follow your heart; it'll help you see your dreams come true. Live life knowing this moment is all you have. See the world and places you dream of. Love those you barely notice, notice those left to be unseen, find those hiding and give them a future. Give them your dreams. Be a good example at all times, people are watching when you don't realize they are. Teach others, but learn from them more. Let the past and your mistakes lie, create a new future. Be educated, charming, forgiving, loving, cultured... know there is a big world out there...without a fence to hold you back. Go where no one else is willing to...

"Yesterday is history, Tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift; that's why they call it 'the present'."
"Live like you were dyin'"

A Future Grasped

Excitement fills her as she thinks of the future. This new life that lay before her. He asked her! Finally her heart had what it wanted. Finally...he had what he wanted. Fear loomed at the edges of her mind, fear of finances, leaving her family...such distance..she put those things out of her mind. She focused on the excitement. But joy grew each moment from the time he said they were going to go...from the moment he said she was to be his. His! She couldn't believe he had asked her. A lifelong committment, a vow to stay true to each other. A new world lay there...like the new fawns in Spring. Their eyes had opened slowly, with a long yawn. There had been a look about them, to settle their surroundings. Then they had established the future. A new life, such a beautiful gift. There was exploring to be had; a new home, a new city, a new state...new people. New friends! Changes were coming so fast as the plans came together. A wedding, a long drive, school, a new home...and most importantly... love. She never expected to find love with him. He was her friend, her companion. Then he asked. When the words came from his mouth, she felt peace. She knew she loved him completely. She sighed as she looked at him once again. Her heart smiled as she saw light in him, the future, a future that was amazing and uncharted. A future all their own.

Would You Give Your Life?

True love will risk anything, even risking life for love. When you truly love someone or something, you'll give your everything for it. You'll die fighting for it, for what you believe. Think Martin Luther King Jr, think Romeo and Juliet, think Abraham Lincoln, think John Wesley. What is your passion? What do you love so much you would risk your life? So what is that for me? What am I willing to sacrifice everything for?

Your love could be family or friend. A husband, maybe his wife is what he would give his life for. Maybe for a Pastor it's his Church or his Church family. A parent, their child. An addict alcohol or drugs, maybe even money to attain either. Sometimes we will risk the very things we thought we loved for what we lust after.

I live in the United States and most likely will not have to give my life today, or tomorrow, that situation may arise but it's not a likely occurrence. But what am I giving my life for? What am I willing to give my time and passion for? Am I sitting by watching others give and never giving? How can I do more with this short life we live?

So the question is; what am I truly willing to give my life for? Would I really lay down for the cause I say I live my life for daily? Will I really live my life displaying the things I say with my mouth across my heart or more so across my life? Am I living daily laying down me for something greater?

Am I willing to give my life for something? For my family…friend…job…more so, for Jesus? You never know how much you love something, until you are willing to risk everything for it.

John 15:13; "No greater love has a man than he lay down his life for a friend."

Your Lies

I thought you were there with me, to be my friend. Thought you were making things different this time. But then you faltered, once again. You fed me the same lies.

Promises filled with hope and longing...you gave me what my head wanted to hear. Your promises fall to pieces making me feel undeserving, exactly what my heart had begun to fear.

So much time has passed and I had begun to live a different life. Then you came back with new elocution and hope. That's when I realized you still held the same knife. You only hurt me more with each word you spoke.

Your lips spilled the lies as if they were all you knew. Like water that cascades over a fountain and falls into a pond, they fell quickly and steadily. Sadly I think what you have said has now become a part of you. The prevarications you speak seem to come so easily.

You have changed, mutated into a creature I do not know. A being unhuman, unrecognizable. Most of you is now...the 9 o'clock show. Although most people do not know you are quite deceitful.

I see the lies you have spoken and lived. Thankfully I now have my eyes opened. I am just trying to forgive. I need to gain a new perspective.

Pain and remorse fill my heart. I wish it wasn't so and wish the past gone. My pain is all because I allowed you a part. This is where I must move on.

Changes

To have change in your life, there must be changes made. But change can be difficult. I LOVE change and I love new things in life. Change makes life exciting and quite unexpected, never boring. But of late it seems like there are almost...too many changes going on, almost...confusing! I feel like I can't keep up with my own life and the lives of those around me. Buying a new car, moving, and some other "new" things as well. Change is good, but it can be hard when it's so unexpected. What if you are thrown an extreme curve ball...something completely out of the blue? Quite unplanned. What then!? It seems as if you have to drop everything else you are carrying to ... catch that curve ball.
Those moments right before you catch the curve ball are monumental. You see the ball coming through the air - almost out to get you - you're the target. You have to contemplate dropping all you are holding to catch this one ball. You have mere moments of time to make a choice that can determine your future. What if someone gave you an option that would allow you to see the curve ball coming ahead of time? With enough time to anticipate - to make your move. Well, we're not given that option - we roll with the punches and take life as it wills. I think we should begin to celebrate and embrance those changes, allow life to take the path and road it does. Going about the way it should...enjoying each change along the way.

Growing Through the Pain

Why is it that growing times tend to be difficult times…and difficult times tend to be growing times? Can we not go through changes without…difficulty? Does our flesh always dominate our lives? Why is it that my flesh seems to dominate more often than not? I want to be in control, I want to be happy, I want life to be grand….but I also want to grow, change, be molded and shaped into a better person. I don't want to stay as I am.

I've been frustrated a lot of late; the things around me, who I am, the places I've been.
No, not like you are thinking…let me clarify:

I am talking about my life and ridding it of complacency and of being a better person. I mean more in that I know BETTER than the words I use, I know better than my actions yet I tend to do both, often. I tend to be harsh, brash if you will, ugly and not always nice. I WANT to be nice…but it seems as if I say unkind things. I want to love those around me but judge them and compare myself, wondering how I can be better. But is that bad? It might be a good thing that I compare and use them as a measuring stick for my life. But my life is not supposed to be like theirs. I am supposed to be me.

So during a "growing" time when I am changing and becoming a better person…it hurts, a lot like working out and lifting weights…it stretches your muscles and you hurt when you've had a good lifting session. But a day or two later you start to see the difference. It could hurt me right now, but a short while from now I will feel and see the difference. It would be a lot easier if I could see and feel the changes/growing while it's happening. I'd be a lot more willing to take the pain and make the changes! Not that it's always painful to go through changes, but the biggest changes in life are typically the most difficult to go through...

How are you growing and changing? What molding is going on in your life? Do you feel the pain while you grow or is your shaping easier?

the potter's hands

Jesus,

i am nothing without you. i am just a lifeless piece of clay to be molded. i feel the stretching and moving as You, My Potter, shape me into something new. You take me and move me into new places, Your hand ever guiding me. i am scared of what i will become...but i trust You with my life. i pray i am good enough for you, that i will be easily molded. i pray i am willing to become the shape You have intended for me. let me be Your branch, Your artwork, let me be Your vessel. Jesus, take all of me and give me more of You. let my life be open for Your future...for Your plans. the vessel i become will hold You, Your life and Your abundance. as You continue to shape and move my form on Your potter's wheel. put me in the kiln to keep the shape You have created. put me in Your testing to become molded to You. take my life Jesus, make it more.

Jesus, less of me and more of You.

the hammer holds

Bebo Norman

A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man

So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds

This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds

letting the words go

The things I said I had to. You had to hear them. The words needed to be put out there. Maybe I need to hear myself say them more than anything else. But they were given out of need, a necessity of essense. Almost as if I could no longer survive unless they were said. Time had passed, too much time, since the words should have been spoken. I had waited too long to let go of all I needed to. I felt myself tearing away. It was as if you had stolen apart of me and slowly pieces were following.

The words have been placed in the expanse between us. The miles that have seemed to have formed. You should be able to apprehand my heart and know the harshness of your reality. Now I am better. I have moved on. Life seems acclimatized. Yet, I fear for you and the path you take. Life hands hard choices and I chose the hardest. To speak the words of exactitude. To allow the truth to shine. To hold you accountable for what transpired. Life can be brilliant again. I walk past my broken heart. And allow you the truth to be let go.

Some Songs On My Heart...

Jesus has been working on me...lots. It's great to become more like Jesus. Here are some songs on my heart:

Refiner's Fire
Purify my heart
let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
is to be holy
set apart for You Lord.
I choose to be holy
set apart for you my master,
ready to do your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within



Jesus, Lover Of My Soul (It's All About You)
It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

a love uncomparable

I've been in love before...and I have loved my family...but there is no love like loving a brand new baby. I'm sure plenty of you have seen "A Baby Story" on TLC. You see the mother go through anguish, frustration and most of all unbearable pain. Then the TV seems to radiate bliss and an immense amount of love. It's almost as if you can assimilate all the excitement and sentiment going on.

It is astounding to watch on TV, but to see a new life begin in person is remarkable. The mother wants so desperately to birth the child, a task so greatly instinct one cannot describe it, yet must bear seemingly endless pain. But the mother will endure almost anything to see the tast through.


The child is born and it seems as if all time stops - there are these few moments when a minute is no longer limited to sixty seconds. The little life searches for comfort and warmth trying to distinguish the world they have burst into. The smell of a new baby is forever etched in one's mind - not the smell of a dirty diaper - the smell of softness, life, love and strangely, it is as if you can smell their innocence.

This is when love comes in. The love you feel rushes up like water bubbling in a brook. The love is uncontainable. The new life you wish to protect, guide and more than anything cherish forever. They need you and you need them. In this world we live in a new baby is to be apprized. Their sweetness and innocence a high commodity we must hold on to for as long as possible.

To love a new child is to love oneself before we were ruined, before we had lost all the preciousness of life, innocence and love.

pictures in my heart

The memories have begun to fade. Like an old photograph discolored and brown with time, wrinkled with wear and tearing at the edges. I said goodbye to you, but I wish it had never been. It seems like yesterday I saw your face. Time has continued on for far too long. I think back to the days when you were near. The moments we spent together; reading, taking walks, softball games, Mexico, France, Texas, laughing on the beach walking in the sand…just being there with you. I learned from you, your patience ever my teacher. My disobedience, anger or shame no match to your love. Silent listening, smiling with compassion you always were. Pretending to be mad was even difficult for you. The nod of your head and I knew what you were thinking, no words were necessary. Wisdom instilled in my life, I waited for your letters in the mail, and I waited for the demonstration of your love. The little words of kindness, the little moments you took for me. You correction and guidance always evident, but given with compassion and grace. Although the memories fade, they'll never go away. At the forefront of my mind they will stay.

I look, I see you there, my heart races…but my eyes blink and it was only a vision. A wish my heart played into my head. The need for you…your love. The need for the strength inside of you. Holding your hand once again. I wish to be a child at your side. I wish for you to hold me and let me cry. I wish for your wisdom to be given to me, I feel I don't have enough. I wish Gracie didn't have a lack of your time. She needs you as much as I do. I wish that you were coming to visit. I wish Christmas was the same. I wish you hadn't felt pain. I never wanted you to leave. I wish I had been closer. I wish I wouldn't have been forced into the place I was. I wish people would have cared more…understood may be the word. I wish it hadn't have been your time. But time was not what we have left. You're happier today. I know you smile from afar. I still miss you every day. In my heart I keep you. I guard our memories there, it is my picture frame to keep them from fading away.

My Snow Globe Life

So it's snowing again outside my window today. But it's a different kind of snowfall. My favorite of all.

It's the type of snowfall where each snowflake is quite large and visible; each falls slowly from the heavens. It's almost as if God is dropping each one individually. There seems to be this sense of serenity which is eluded during this snowfall. It's is quite tranquilizing. The sun barely shines today, but it shines enough to catch each snowflake and cause there to be a glittering sensation as they fall to the ground. It looks like the world outside is the inside a snow globe. As if someone has shaken everything up and now the flakes are slowly drifting back towards earth. I wish I could capture the snowfall in a picture, but this is something that must be seen with someone's eye. A picture would mass all the snowflakes together and loose the individuality of each. Each as it comes to rest upon the ground, a park bench or a parked car. Each as it accumulates into the masses of snow already fallen.

It's finally become winter in MN, I suppose. We had a strangely warm winter until New Year's Eve; barely a scratch of snow. Now it snows regularly. At least it keeps me going through the cold, right?

Hope your day is brilliant and sparkles all around you. :)

Words Should Come With Love

There is such power in ones tongue. The words one speaks…determine who one is. If one says something, it's out of one's heart. Whatever is in their heart will eventually come out. William Shakespeare said, "He hath a heart as sound as a bell, and his tongue is the clapper; for what his heart thinks his tongue speaks." And the man who created electricity, Benjamin Franklin, tried to aide us with, "Better slip with foot than tongue."

One must stand in awe of the power a tongue holds. Such power that it can shape the world that surrounds it. It can create friendships and it can dissolve them. It discloses feelings, it holds things back, it stretches the truth and it kills. "One reason a dog is such a loveable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue." We use our tongues to determine our world. It can build up and it can tear down. "The tongue like a sharp knife...Kills without drawing blood." Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta knew that words could bring one to tears or even cause one to die of a broken heart.

Even Hollywood understands the power of words we speak; Iris on the movie "The Holiday" said, "I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives." If we speak love towards others, it will alter our lives…for the better. "…you have kindness in your voice. I did not expect that," was said by Ivy when she escaped to find help on the movie "The Village." She did not expect to find a security guard who would be willing to help or that was kind. Due to her blindness she had to allow herself not to judge another person, but to be vulnerable and hope for the best. That is the problem; our expectations, or more so presumptions. One may presume how someone is before they even know them, but when the other person opens their mouth to speak a different person can be shown. Someone can walk in kindness and love yet look quite frightening and abrasive or even to seem pose a threat to you. Only when no other choice is available or fear governs does one embrace and widen oneself to another person without judgment and presumed ideas concerning the person.

"It does not always pay to have a golden tongue unless one has the ability to hold it," Paul Johnson said. If one can be mature enough to hold their tongue does that then mean they truly are mature? When one begins the process of holding their tongue it continues on to become a habit. This habit creates a much healthier world around them. "Before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the power to wound," was said by Peace Pilgrim. She knew one must hold their tongue and guard what they speak. If one speaks in flowery words and verbiage does that make one smarter or more educated? No. But when it becomes apart of who one is, one becomes more educated due to the knowledge that must be assimilated for those words to come out.

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'" John Greenleaf Whittier knew exactly what judging someone prematurely meant. It meant one might have been friends, one might have known some other person, one might have gotten a job, one might… But now it means one never will have been. Jose Billings said, "The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." Isn't it better to hold your tongue, take a walk and wait before you speak ill words? Is it not better for you to speak love and kindness; even if it is addressing something unjust, than to spew hatred, anger or words that may kill another person?

As someone who loves Jesus I believe that we should elucidate love and life more than those around us. We have a great responsibility to speak the words to build up, create life, inspire people in our world. If you can say one word of kindness over five of unkindness should you not do it? How could a man who sacrificed His life for others still forgive those who murdered Him? Should we not follow in His example as well? With His last breathe of life His words were forgiveness. As He die He still spoke words to give life to those around Him. Can we not give life with our words daily?

World of Snow

Snow falls once again. This white fills the world with wonder. Have you ever noticed how the snow tends to fall in the late afternoon or during the night? The night sky seems to radiate light when during a snow storm. It can't become dark any longer. There seems to be this glow, this beam of light coming from...coming from nowhere. A cold chill fills the air, yet the cold seems warmer when snow is falling. It is as though the snow brings warmth. Then there is a stand still. The stillness of the snow falling. It almost seems as if the world, as if life holds its breath, holds its breath in awe of the new snow. Waking up and looking out to a whole different world, a different view outside your window is magical. There is this unbelieving moment of awe, the change that happened when you weren't looking. One moment a world of brown ugliness, quite depressing in fact. Then another moment in time there is the brilliance that shines from outside. Almost as if the world is washed white, a cleansing from the dirt, darkness and harships is seems to have gone through. Trees have become dormant, grass has died and the flowers have fallen. The death is no longer prominent, but this white covers it all. Life seems to radiate among the deadness of winter. Bunnies run and bounce about in the snow. They seem to find as much fun as a young child in the white that surrounds. Birds fly around once again chirping and enjoying the beauty below them. Just for the few moments as I stare out the window, I see that life can be transformed. Much like my life which twists and changes in mere moments of time. Life can be cleansed, changed and renewed in a few moments of time. Snow can create a shift in the atmosphere, a metamorphosis from dull to bright and from dead to life.

Bedraggled Winnings - Part Two

Your bedraggled winnings have eaten away at you. They've caused you to question and wonder why you won, why didn't someone else fight against you. You might be satisfied with having the gain attained, but you can't quite settle on the path which you attained it.

What if that revolting article has become revolting only due to your selfishness? Maybe you just despised that prize possession because you selfishly wanted to win it the way you wanted. Life changed and well, a new situation came about for you to win.

Maybe you should count it a blessing that you gained so easily or in a new manner. Maybe God reached out and touched you. Maybe, just maybe you were on the up for once.

Can you not just smile and keep the prime article on the grand stand? Is it going to eat away at you, the winning.

Happiness, very conditional. You loose happiness because you haven't fought the fight you'd like to have fought. Why must there be a battle? Can you not just be satisfied?