Strange Mix of Things

How is it that I could wake up today excited about the day...yet at the same time completely frustrated? I've had a weird few days the past couple days. I have been completely ... peaceful and happy. At the same time I have been very upset about something that happened. It's quite strange and definitely out of the ordinary for me. I have an abnormal sense of calm and happiness about my life and the people around me, yet something happened that hurts immensely. It feels like a dagger straight to my heart. How can I feel such joy through the pain? God does say joy comes in the morning. Yet I feel as though I am mourning. I guess mainly I am questioning. Wondering. Surviving. Trying to sort through the events that lead up to the situation. I am attempting to well, figure out why what was done, was done.

Thus far, I am okay through it all. You never expect people to hurt you; or rather you wouldn't like to expect for them to. But sometimes, I suppose the inevitable is to come. Maybe we're "due" for a hurting. Okay, yes it sounds wrong or strange, but in essence we are "due for a raise" or "due for a teeth cleaning at the dentist" or better yet "due for a hair cut and color." Why wouldn't we be "due for a hurting or a beating or a thrashing." No, it just doesn't seem right, doesn't seem like God. But isn't that how life seems to be? When life is going grand and you haven't worried about mediocre things of late; that's when it seems all hell breaks loose?

I wish for not only my sake but the other person's sake take could reverse itself and we could take back what they did. But life is a ticking clock. Time can't stop, once the hour glass is empty, there's no stuffing sand back in. I feel sadness and pain not only from what happened, but for the person who hurt me. I despise hurting others, so I feel sad that they have hurt me. Strange, yes. Yet I wish I could take back what they did, for them. Take it back so my pain and "blood" isn't on their hands. Have they no clue how much it hurt? Probably. Do they care? Now, I'm not so sure. I thought they did, but then...I woke today and my mind had change. Sleep and coerced my mind to think a different way.

So today. Today I choose to be happy, yet again. I choose to walk away. Love fills my heart. Some how. Some how it fills me completely yet it doesn't mask the pain. It can't take that away. Maybe it's because of Christmas I feel the happiness I feel. Or maybe because I am reaching out to others. Maybe because I choose to lay my burdens at the cross. Because I know I have a Jesus who takes my cares away. I live the life I live with joy because I carry that with me. I carry Him with me. The mercy and grace we have. What treasures those are. I shall walk in love. Yes my hurts cause me to be stronger. But love causes me to grow.

I Thought Forgiveness was Permenant

I thought I had forgiven you, but obviously not. I thought I had moved on. Now I'm angry again and I can't help but to cry. I had felt no harsh feelings; the frustration and agony gone. But you have brought it all back to the surface. You have caused more heartache. I feel the pain you caused. Now its mixing with the hurt from before. You've left my heart aching. Why is it although I had forgotten, although I had walked away the pain is resurfacing? My heart feels like it's bleeding. I feel the sting of your actions like a slap across my face. You've taken the dagger and ripped out my heart. You've left me pushed down. Clouds have come in and hid the hope of tomorrow. The sun no longer fills my day with happiness. I am angry and afraid.

I had forgotten and been washed of your stench; the stench of your decadence. Your outright injustice. I thought I was clean; rid of the anger, pain and resentment. Now I know I had just masked what was truly there. Poured perfume to hide the scent of what you had left. How could I have been so deceived by my own self? My head had covered up for my heart. My mind playing tricks to help me move on. I though forgiveness was permanent, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe forgiveness is as much as we make of it. Then why can't I make it stay? More so, why must your hurt me this way? I don't understand why you do it? I don't understand why you can't seem to care. I must be done. I had to forgive permanently. This will eat me away. I search my heart for freedom. I search my heart for the door to let the anger out. I beg for forgiveness to reign in my heart. I look for kindness to overshadow my hurt. I look for God to shine the sweet sun of tomorrow on my face.