I Thought Forgiveness was Permenant

I thought I had forgiven you, but obviously not. I thought I had moved on. Now I'm angry again and I can't help but to cry. I had felt no harsh feelings; the frustration and agony gone. But you have brought it all back to the surface. You have caused more heartache. I feel the pain you caused. Now its mixing with the hurt from before. You've left my heart aching. Why is it although I had forgotten, although I had walked away the pain is resurfacing? My heart feels like it's bleeding. I feel the sting of your actions like a slap across my face. You've taken the dagger and ripped out my heart. You've left me pushed down. Clouds have come in and hid the hope of tomorrow. The sun no longer fills my day with happiness. I am angry and afraid.

I had forgotten and been washed of your stench; the stench of your decadence. Your outright injustice. I thought I was clean; rid of the anger, pain and resentment. Now I know I had just masked what was truly there. Poured perfume to hide the scent of what you had left. How could I have been so deceived by my own self? My head had covered up for my heart. My mind playing tricks to help me move on. I though forgiveness was permanent, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe forgiveness is as much as we make of it. Then why can't I make it stay? More so, why must your hurt me this way? I don't understand why you do it? I don't understand why you can't seem to care. I must be done. I had to forgive permanently. This will eat me away. I search my heart for freedom. I search my heart for the door to let the anger out. I beg for forgiveness to reign in my heart. I look for kindness to overshadow my hurt. I look for God to shine the sweet sun of tomorrow on my face.