Three Nights to Change A Life

There was that night you stood by my chair. Sitting, standing, pestering. That one moment of hope you held on to. That one moment you asked, with a sparkle in your eye. I remember it so clearly. Though it was months ago, I feel like it was just yesterday. You asked and I, well, I just gave in. I felt like I was dragging my feet, like I was afraid of the inevitable...afraid of what I knew was to come. But I felt peace. A kiss on the cheek, “Good night” was said.
There was that night you stood at my door. And there I was standing behind it, just a bit afraid to open it...to open the future. Know what was coming. Sitting across from you, fear knotted in my stomach, surprise and excited filling my heart. Peace. That is when the peace came. I begged my heart not to believe it. I begged my soul not to know. But I knew and deep down I already believed it. A kiss to ring in a new beginning.
There was that night you stood beside me. You told me to take the chair. I was shaking and nervous, but not as much as you. Holding what I assumed to be mine, yet still not quite sure. Again, I knew what was coming…but I couldn’t let myself believe it. You said those words, six words that held such power. Peace came again. Of course. :) Of course was all I could say. And a kiss, a kiss to seal the deal.

I mean, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, but...

I won't tell you who to vote for. You SHOULD research that yourself. But...check out this video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhDRVKDcXQo

Have a voice and at least vote!!! Registration deadlines are (Alaska, Nevada, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Washington) THIS Saturday, October 4th and in MANY places NEXT Monday, October 6th!

Check Rock the Vote to see your state's registration deadline.http://www.rockthevote.com/electioncenter/ (In Minnesota you can register on Election Day - Nov 4th!)

Know the issues! Know what you stand for!http://www.rockthevote.com/electioncenter/know-the-issues/

Just Tell Me Already!

I know the truth already. Just tell me...so I won't have to ask again. You've had this window to my heart, unfairly taken. With the deception, I'll stop writing. You won't hear anymore, as its already begun to fade. Its slowly dying. Just tell me what you should. I'll even pretend like I didn't know and let it go.

What are you going to give me? How will I have a window into your heart, when today it doesn't even feel like mine? This is 'give and take' you say...only taking on your part and the giving on mine? I'm confused? Money doesn't buy my heart; honesty and a one hundred percent committment will.

I'm waiting...



But can only wait so long.

I Quit You Today

I quit you today, just got up and walked away. You're like this drug I couldn't stop taking, control over my whole being.

You came in and changed my world around, now I'm not sure where I can be found.I might have lost direction, but maybe I was just looking for perfection.

Realizing now that can't be attained, I've stopped looking for everything to be explained.Leaving all just as it is and letting things lie, I'm going to see what is the truth between you and I.

Past, Present or the Future...

Strong it is to control this whole scheme. How big and great it looms over you. Oh how much, it soon will begin to frustrate me.

Not letting go will do that to you. Holding on to what was comfortable and made you feel good. But sometimes we've got to move on and decide what we'll do.

You act as if she's not there...lingering into what is us. A part of who we are together. When I ask a question, you say not to press.

Still you hold on, keeping little gifts, notes and plenty of pics. Acting as if I don't see it, as if I don't realize they're there. Maybe you're still in too thick.

Hiding it doesn't help, you slip up and they come out. Then you pretend not to notice, or pay attention when I ask. But now I've begun to doubt.

That large white elephant sits in the room. Funny thing this game is, you pretending she's not there. That elephant's name is "Doom".

Either I'm it or I'm not. Keep your trinkets of past or give me you're all. But we both can't be here, realize you're already caught.

What do you say, the future or the past? Decision time is coming quickly. The dealine will be here fast.

Where will you choose to live? Go back to her, or move on with me... Either way, I'll choose to forgive.

PS - I know you're reading.

to give what i need...

The deception is worse than lying. Please just tell me the truth. Please, oh please, just be 100% honest with me. I'd rather learn from something that hurts, then walk down this road a while longer. I need the truth...what you're afraid to tell. I need you to say you can't seem to spill.

I try to tell you what and how I feel, yet some how...its always taken wrong. Maybe I can never say things just right. But at least it's said. At least my effort is given.

Do I not measure up? Do I not compare?
I don't understand...but I need the truth.
Just give me the truth...

Pecking Order...

There's this pecking order...this order to how we live life. Along the lines of "king of the hill" or "queen of sheeba". Its all about who's the best...the smartest, the prettiest, wisest and who has the best man, career, children, car...whatever you can think of. Why must we participate in these games? Can't we just live and ... let live? You compete to be better than I am, when we're the same: just people, working towards our life goals; in love, in work, in life; enjoying life...trying to follow the right path. Yet there's this fierce competition which one of us is better, who is the one who comes out on top. Even when I walk away and try to not say something, its brought back - this stone thrown to see if I'll fight back. When I do, I feel horrible...like I shouldn't say anything. But its constant, the only thing you do. Like we have nothing else better to say, nothing else better to accomplish than this little, ridiculous game.

Is there a way...a way possible to make it stop? I suppose I'll have to learn not to respond.

lonely

She's sad and she doesn't know why. She can't give you an answer, she can't tell you if she's going to cry. Her heart is aching, a bitter slow hurt. Its on the inside and she feels as though her life it'll subvert. Living from day to day, hoping to make do. She's afraid she just might not make it through. Its like a fog that slowly crept in. Its come and taken over, unpacked and moved in. Now she can't stop it, change how she feels. Afraid, lonely and worried...she's not even sure if these feelings she can conceal. When will this end? When will it be done? When will she feel like she did, before all of this had begun?

Divorce Celebrations?

Its amazing how we celebrate divorce. We have "Finally Free" parties, "Single Again" parties. We have a TV show "Unhitched". Why is it that we are so ok with celebrating failure and recklessness in our lives? Why are we taking the very thing that Christ wanted held in high regard and putting no value on it any longer? The Bible says, "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder." So why can we so easily celebrate something that has completely fallen to pieces? What about all the money you spent on the wedding ceremony, reception...divorce, lawyers, time away from work, alimony...ugh!

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song Cuz You Ask...

for it, cuz you need one...
"Write about my boyfriend, this one...not the one at Applebee's," you say. I could write plenty about you, boyfriend, more than I want you to hear me say. But that's why I don't, because I know I say too many things. I can't say the right things to you boyfriend, the things that make you happy or to cheer you up. I just say the truth and far too much. Care about you, boyfriend, I do. Maybe that's why I'm brutally honest and let anything slip, boyfriend, I pour out like I've opened a door and can't control what I say at times. Maybe I should be kinder with my words, more cautious and careful. But, boyfriend, I am who I am, I say what I do and work through that I will true to follow through.

You, my boyfriend, are my boyfriend because I want you to be. Because you make me happy. Because, boyfriend, I know this is true. Letting you in, is what I am working on. Letting my feelings show, is what I am starting to do.

That is how I love. Boyfriend, that is how I work to make this work.

Love you, boyfriend? Love you...I do.

But boyfriend, I only write about you...because I want to. Never because you'd ask me to.

The Storm That Didn't Cease

Its raining again today. I don't know where to turn. I feel myself becoming soaked in rain water again. All too soon my tears are mixed in. I'm not sure where to turn, or even what to say this time. Its seems as if the storm never ended, but merely just has been on pause.

Its flooding again today. The water has been dancing about my feet a for while now. My ankles are covered in the flood. I can't see the floor or know where to step next. I feel like I'm walking in the dark, afraid I'll fall off the edge and not know where I've stepped.

Its dark again today. The sun has hid its light from the pain I feel. Its cold and brash outside. The storm beating all about me. The clouds came in with the cold rain and flood. Darkness crept into my world with out any notice given.

Its in the calm of the storm, I need to hear your words whisper. I need to hear from you Lord.

healthy lifestyle

there seems to be this seam, pattern, running through our lives, a thread that brings every aspect together…whether the thread is a good thing or a bad thing is completely determined by you. a healthy lifestyle, unhealthy...procrastination, strength, ability, motivation, focus, distractions, fear, timidity. living a life following a certain lifestyle will run throughout your whole being. i see in my friends and family how certain things stand out. more importantly, i see it in my own life.
someone who tends to eat healthier, they seem to have healthier relationships. maybe they just focus more on others and the clarity of their life. they seem to have this sense of strength in their life, self control maybe it is, that causes their relationships to be stronger…more controlled and healthier. Someone who tends to be more lackadaisical in their lifestyle, is the same in their relationships. parents, family, friend’s relationships aren’t tended to in the same way, or maybe treated with urgency.
i think we are the same way with God. seeing Christ with eyes that aren’t as apt, or rather, aren’t as prone to live with your life and body held in high regard, we treat our relationship with the same tendencies. maybe when we tend to be healthy when we look at Him as a source for life…same way someone looks at food when they eat notoriously. how is my life today? am I a healthy person? do i treat my life with high regard?

I Don't Know How to Make This Work

I don't know how to make this work. I need you to fight, to tell me my worth. I need to know that you really didn't mean it all. That this won't cause us to fall. I need to know what I deserve. So I won't just be here going through the motions, sitting in verve. You have to tell me how much you care. Let me know that you'll always be here.

Otherwise I'm going to walk away. Forget all we've sacrificed, the prices we've paid. I'll take the towel and throw it in. I might just let this all end.

Unless you tell me how to make this work. Tell me how much I'm truly worth.

it continues

you say you love her, truly you do. but character shows the opposite, more so the things you do.
hurting her daily, causing such pain - with out regrets, remorse or even shame.
you've been caught red handed, guilty as charged. label, branded, now you think you've been discharged?
you're upset...angry you've not gotten away with the dirty deeds. irate and mouthy you've turned into someone who misleads.
caught in the middle, those little ones stay. ignorantly they smile, and are learning to obey.
unfairly she's hurting...living a life full of pain. her body the greatest subject of your chain.
you think as though its nothing, just something you do. but its slowly been eating away, the scars her heart does accrue.
on top of your sin, now come words and wrongful actions. only cause her harsh, brutal reactions.
oh the pain those words and actions have added. causing your lives, to grow so divided.
now today she wakes up needing you gone. angrily you tell her she's always been wrong.
what shall she do? where shall she turn? she's reached this place where we've all been concered.
staying or going, questions in her mind. you have begun to be full of words, quite deemed maligned
we all wait in fear and frustration. knowning much of this was caused by your sinful flirtation.
addiction much greater than your muscles, for it takes more than a physical tussle.
you have created this chaos and disorder, she's now reached the limit - her furthest border.
with breath held agasp, we pray for His force. aware that maybe this has to follow its full course.

You and Me

Letting go of all else, as hard as it may seem,
with the best reasons, I accept this new dream.

As much as I want this, as much as I know this is true...
letting go of the past and things I wanted to do.

I am learning to mourn and move on,
this is something I can't help but follow, to act upon.

The past is fading into forgetfulness, I see the future bright,
excitement fills me, all of my being knows this is right.

Even through this trying time, I love more with every second,
it doesn't matter to us just what others say or reckon.

We we fit together perfectly, a pair created for each other,
for us, there is no one else we'd rather.

Trust

Its really hard for me to trust. When its not been earned enough.
How can I change this? Why must that be? I want to know 100%, completely.
Part of me says its not so, part of me just doesn't want to let it all go.
I can't understand or always know what you're thinking. That makes me restrict all my heart is wanting.
I guess time is what it will take. But I feel as though there always isn't enough.

~

To live my life pure in Your eyes. To sacrifice all I have. To love You more each day. To give all I have to give away. To follow Your path and Your desires. To be who You created me to be.

I want to live my life loving Him more and more each day. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how, its in those times I just seem to find my way.

Lost Identity

"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to compete yourself."

A course at Seattle Pacific U taught by Dr Les & Leslie Parrott is always started with that statement.

Take a moment and think about that. Think about moments you've tried to be complete in someone else. When someone else is in need of you, your services, desires you...you then feel complete, right?

As humans we constantly are searching and trying to find fulfillment in something, someone or somewhere other than ourselves...or rather, Christ inside of us.

I have a friend who has had a rough past year. Over the last year they have gone from a serious relationship - 5 years together + engagement - to calling off the wedding two months out, breaking off the relationship completely, trying not to face the heartbreak, dating 3 or 4 people at a time to now dating someone they never would have considered dating and have now begun to consider getting engaged to this new person. What does that look like to you? Someone who is searching, looking for something to fill a void in their life.

I truly think when a seriously relationship is ended, you need time to find out who you are again, time to regain a sense of stability in yourself and who you are in Christ. Granted, this shouldn't be lost in a relationship, but you have begun to walk in sync with the person you are dating. Now you must be just you once again (which is a good thign). There is this time and need not to be in a relationship. Otherwise you are going to begin to jump from relationship to relationship, one person to the next... Rebound. Cough, cough. Its amazing how real that silly little term is. We've all heard it whispered, discussed, laughed about or even cried about - rebound. But just how real it is, is heartbreaking.

When you've lost (or even never had gained) the identity of YOU and put any identity you own into a relationship - you can't be complete enough to handle a healthy relationship. You can't be real enough for someone to love you, fully love YOU. Then you've begun to try to complete yourself in that person's love for you, need for you, caring for you... Women begin to clean house and nest, men begin to make more money, be more macho. Its human nature to want the feeling of being needed.

Now there's a healthy balance to being needed; a healthy equal between being needed and being stable in who you are.

Think about that statement one more time - how are you finding stability in Christ and who Christ has made you....JUST you.

"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to compete yourself."

Do I Measure Up?

I've come to realize I may never be good enough. I just may not measure up. What if all I have to give you, isn't enough? What if you tire of who I am, tire of "us"? Two people loving each other, a relationship does not make. I'm afraid you'll say goodbye and walk away. I'm afraid you'll find me a bore, silly, ridiculous or what you never bargained for. Yes, I can be quite worse than each of those.

But all in all, I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid I won't be able to stick things out, to follow through. I'm afraid I won't know just how to love you. I'm afraid to let go and be 100 % in this, as much as I should. My heavy heart sinks down knowing that you are amazing and I fall more than just shy of perfect. I'm this broken, slightly ruined person just trying to piece my life together with some sort of semblence it should hold. I try and try to be your match, to help you be who you are supposed to be...but some how, some way I feel as though I fail in each and every way.

Post Secret

What is your deepest darkest secret?

What would you only share with a stranger...someone who would not judge you? Someone who would just listen and not talk? What are you afraid of the world knowing about you?

This weekend for a Young Life project the leaders shared their deepest secrets. Its amazing what people would love to get out, just get off their chest - if they are given the opportunity. Have you taken the time to trust someone enough to pour your soul out for them? To give them the ability to love you - the real you.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/2008/02/sunday-secrets_17.html
http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2510394290074606470BHdZJm

Assuming...

...only makes an, well we know the saying, out of ...you. Not me. Once you've assumed and come to conclusions, you don't seem to care to know the truth. You've got your theories and ideas, you've written a novel and suggestions of what it may be. But its not. Its not the truth at all, you have conjured up quite the story inside your head. Your idea of the truth is, sadly, far past misconstrued. I fear that you've let what others said, the lies and deception they played, find a place inside your head. Now your heart has followed, you begun to live the life of "taking the high road" when it was never the low road to begin with. Its amazing all they've told ME, thinking I would want to know; continuing the gossip and angry things they said. Your friends, they said once they were; now they come running, wanting me to know the "truth". First thought in my head, I don't have a concern with what you've spoken. My life I live, my own to keep or ruin, to live aware or broken. I fear for you, for the place you've arrived at - living with the lies. I tried to stop it - I warned him of HIS own words. Now you've become angry, quite revengeful and bitter.


But the best part of it all...you're a better Christian. Such a great person. Good thing I have Christ to save me, right?

Or rather -It is a good thing I am open and honest before my Christ, knowing He sees the good in me and my potential. But mostly, that He loves the bad and corrects the things I need to change. That I allow Him to have full reign...

The More I Seek You

The more I seek You,

the more I find You...

The more I find You,

the more I love You.

I wanna sit at Your feet,

drink from the cup in Your hand,

Lean back against You and breathe,

feel Your heartbeat...

This love is so deep...

It's more than I can stand...

I melt in Your peace...

It's overwhelming.

This is what my heart screams and begs for. I just want Him to be there...I just want to feel that He is a part of me, a part of my every day life. Yet, so often I run in the other direction. Fear, my lack of abilities and my flesh run. They take over where my spirit should be in charge. They take over and make me feel in capable. Yet, each day I will strive to be better.

"My flesh is slave

My soul is servant

My spirit is King

We are spirit beings with souls that live in a body. Which is controlling your life?"

~Phillip Baker

Si Se Puede

But what if I can't? What if I don't win? What if I don't get the job? What if this all fails and I am only left with me?

Will it be quite enough to have Jesus? What a struggle it is to find the balance of striving for more and knowing that Jesus is quite enough...


no matter what

My Boyfriend...he's fantastic.

When I have a bad day...and my boyfriend is out of town, he still makes me smile. Really, he's fantastic...

Falling From the Mountain

Have you ever had a day where it felt like everything was just falling apart. As if you were standing upon a mountain top and the snow beneath you begins to fall. It never starts as this huge collapse - it starts with a few snowballs, pieces of snow cascade down the mountain. Then it turns into sheets of snow. Like silk white sheets of the mountain bed slowly sliding to the valley floor beneath, slipping slowly at first and then crumbling all together in one mass. Slipping off like water falling through the cracks of the mountain. You're standing there, upon this mountain that rises with eminence; great wonder and power of the bluff envelopes you. And there you feel so small, just watching this snowfall beneath your feet waiting for the ground beneath you to move. Anticipating the inevitable. You can feel the terrain you're upon trembling...it begins to slip and you begin to fall.
Have you felt like your life was falling apart like that? These little things become awry and then it seems as if large parts follow right with it. It all seems to come to shambles at one time. As if life and the world we live in is set to self destruct in unison. WE can't even life in unison, only the 'bad' can. It works together trying to pick at and destroy your life, destroy who you are.
Then, then what do you do? Fight back? Walk away? Give up? Turn to someone else?

Life's Effects

Its amazing how those instants of pain, aggrevaition, humiliation, fear and anxiety have created who I am today. Who I am in this relationship. It was the traces of time where love came in, that made me a better person. Its all these things combined, who cause me to be who I am. Those things make me love stronger, fear deeper and hold back harder. Those moments of pain and such...made me afraid to let go and give 100%. But maybe, just maybe...those small moments of love...will help me to give just a bit more today, and a bit more tomorrow and a bit more...

Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace

Sitting in silence...he feels the room is screaming. No understanding of why it can be so calm around him, yet the echos inside his mind are rivals for attention. The thoughts he's had, the hurt he's felt, the love he's tried to give...all bouncing around pushing each other further and further into the noise he hears. These echos of noise, these echos of joys, pains, regrets, fears. In silence, is how he lives to ward off the chaos he feels. Patience is what grips him. He has become it's slave; patience always his master. Following patience around like a dog to master, not understanding how it could truly bring a return to him. Waiting, hoping and yearning for answers he sits. Sits in silence. Surrounded by noise he hears inside. Questions run rampid through him; wondering why? Wondering when? Wondering how this all has become.

Then that moment comes where it enters. It is if a royal trumpet sounds, a gasp can be heard throughout the room, everyone is taken back, purple velvet is flowing, the crowd stands upon their feet then bows low to the ground, eyes averted in reverence...and then....and then!

Grace enters. Grace upon his life. Grace upon the choices he's made. Grace upon the questions and fears inside of his head. Grace for the hurt and pain he has felt. Grace for every mistake he has made. Grace for understanding. Grace for the patience he needs to survive.

Cascade

I'm falling in love. And for some reason, this time is feels so different. Its quite scarier than it ever has been. And strangely, I want this more than I ever have before. It feels...different. Maybe because I feel like I can't stop it, I can't stop myself.



And maybe because it feels right.

Today

I find myself in awe how every day I try to make it through the day without Him. I seem to think I can begin the day and go on with out His help, when I know so much better. Yet, everyday I come right back and realize I can't do this on my own. I can't make it through today if He's not a part of it. I get lost, I begin to travel down a foreign road I've found some how. I make ridiculously stupid mistakes, do things I never should do and then I fall flat on my face. Its always in those moments, with all the mess I've created lying about that I realize I've left Him behind. I need to back up and start over. Then, there are those brilliant days when I begin it with Him; when I want Him a part of each moment. When He becomes the day. Those days are like the sun shining on my back, like snowflakes falling down slow, breathlessly. Those days aren't flawless and I still make mistakes. But in those days, that's when I find myself. When I find the real me. When He shows me who I could be. How come I try so hard to make it through myself when I know I won't get anywhere on my own? I lived far too many moments without inviting Him to be a part of my life each day. Those moments looking back are when I struggled to get by. But today I want Him a part of it, each and every way. Today, I'm making the choice to have Him see me through. And today, today is a good day.

Who I Am

I am only me. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me and not liking who I am. But I don't put on a facade - I just keep people at arms length. I only let a few people in, to see the real me...for fear of getting hurt, of them using me against...me, for fear of them ripping apart who I truly am. So...so this is me:
I like coffee, just about anything coffee, far too much. I like to write, it gets what I feel out. I can write a million words before I can allow what I feel to pass my lips. But once I start, sometimes I can't stop. I like peanut butter...on just about anything. I love Gracie more than my life. She's a part of who I am, I can feel what she feels and I know why she is the person she is. My family makes me smile a whole lot...and laugh more often than not. I like snowboarding, but am not good at all. Still I love the invigorating feeling of standing at the top of the mountain with white fresh powder on the hill below you; that first moment of pushing off makes your blood rush and head spin...makes your heart jump with excitement. I love snow, but wish it could be 70, sunny and a snowing. I love the ocean, wish I lived near one. I love the feel of the salty wind on your face, I love waves and how they move you. How the waves are so mesmerizing and controlling, yet comforting. I feel close to God when I stand next to the vast horizon that doesn't seem to end with waves washing upon my feet. I hate hurting others and will allow myself to take the blame if I know they won't get hurt. I like being bad, doing everything I know I shouldn't. It comes naturally I suppose. I've fallen for bad boys because of that. I am very much an 'out of site out of mind' person; I put things away to not remember them. I avoid difficult situations and confrontation. But end up handling them well when I face them. I can be bold and stand up for what I believe, passionately. I rarely do anything unpassionately. I don't like when people try to tell me what I should believe. I don't do anything on command. I like dancing, but need to know I can't! It puts a smile on my face. I would take dance classes if I had the time. I believe I am a nomad with a home. I get antsy if I haven't traveled for a few weeks. I want to travel to almost every country in the world. But not just visit - I want to learn about their culture. I hate how uncultured Americans can be. I would quit my job, work for a charitable non-profit, or something of the sort, and travel the world if I could. I'd rather give of my time than be paid for it. But I love my job just the same. And money. I like nice things, very nice things, but am a good bargain shopper. I like planning. Events, weddings, meetings, awards ceremonies, art shows... Planning out my life and throwing all those plans away to allow God to happen. I avoid thinking about my own wedding because I've planned too many other weddings. I have a great fear of being bridezilla - but at the same time will care much more about being married than the actual wedding ceremony. I believe kissing is a gift from God, we abuse it. Sleep is something I rarely do...I say you can sleep when you're dead. But love taking naps in the afternoon sun. I like tanning, lying out, sun bathing, whatever you please. I love the Minnesota lakes. My cabin is my sanctuary. When I get upset, angry, frustrated, determined I run. I run for miles on end. I can run a good mile, 7 minutes or less. I hate running for excercise - I run for passion. I used to run every night when I lived in Texas, 2 AM, 3 AM, whatever time I got off, I ran. Its my alone time with God. I love clean laundry and don't mind doing it, until it has to be folded. I love the scent and feel of clean sheets and clothes just pulled from the dryer but would rather toss them in the clothes hamper and someone else can fold them. I hate dirty houses. I think I have slight OCD; I do certain things a certain way and never change it (got it from my mum). I walk around brushing my teeth, my roommate hates it, but I'm too much of a multi-tasker to stop. I can do and think a million things at once. I would read a book and do my chores growing up. I would be a good infomercial host. I can be fake happy and excited about something - because of BMI. I'm very, very random. I'll say the most off the wall things - surprising myself with them more than others I think, but only say 1/2 the things that pop into my head. I laugh at myself more often than others do. I find that I am an idiot and say stupid things...just about every hour. I hate talking on the phone; I'd text a whole conversation just to avoid talking. I think I ramble too much...which I do. I will get annoyed talking and say ok bye and just hang up. Then realize I've hung up on someone, I do this a lot. I like when people do things that warm the heart...maybe that's why I like Christmas so much. It makes hearts happy and people are quite charitable. I love the feeling of the mall at Christmas time. Excitement, hurriedness and joy. There's just joy about the birth of Christ. I can be mean, very mean and I'm good at it. Every time I am I feel horrid. Then I want to run and hide. I hate my sin nature, I fight it everyday. And generally, I lose. I grew up out of the US. People think I'm strange for it...I say I'm just different. My family is ridiculously close. But we're just not close, we actually love each other. Strangely enough, they're some of my favorite people. I have a favorite niece and nephew - Jackson and Emilie. They're so adorable; I would send pictures to everyone in the whole world if I could. They're smiles should be shared. It hurts me when others hurt them. My older sister, Cari, and I might have killed each other growing up had it not been for Jesus...but now she's closer than a sister, she's more than a friend and confidant, and she means the world to me. I hate when religious leaders do things unjustly, immoral and corrupt; sadly it happens so often. I know that they hold so many people's blood on their hands. I wish God wouldn't allow them to gain leadership roles. I loathe when people say things they'll do and don't, mostly because I hate when I do it. I respect someone who acts respectful to me. I look like I'm 16 and cherish that fact. I'll stay beautiful til I'm old. I say things like <= because I can never truly be that self confident. I say snobbish things...maybe to get it out of my system? I like LOST, ok I'm addicted to LOST. I watch Grey's every Thursday. I like Friends, Good Morning America and Law & Order. DVR is the only reason I watch any TV. I don't like TV very much. I love sports...I can watch sports on TV. Esp football. I love food, a lot. I get full easily so I eat in shifts. I can drink coffee for any meal. I get into laughing fits and can't stop. I think its Jesus reminding me that joy is medicine to the soul. I love my girlfriends and would never put them on the back burner for a man. I'm not very emotional person...wait let me rephrase that, I don't show others my emotions very often. I loathe crying in front of someone. I cuss far too often, drink way too much and have done so many things that would make my grandma faint that I can't begin to say them all. I try every day to learn from others mistakes and not just my own. I always seem to fall into the same wrong choices. I have visions and desires in my heart, but strangely I feel like Jesus put them on hold. And very strangely I have this illimitable patience that I can't understand. I try to keep my promises, I work hard to be accountable and fail often. I would not wear make up everyday if Sophie had never said to me that I needed it. I try to let go of that fact and wear less and less makeup all the time. But, I'm addicted to mascara. I rarely put makeup on in my house, always in the car. I figure if I truly need it, then I'll have time to put it on. I know how to act a fool (esp with Sonia) and laugh about it for years. Talia was my first and best friend, still is even though she's across the pond. I'm very often glass half full and can't comprehend why others aren't. I know I always can have less. There are so many more deserving people out there then me. Texas was a part of my life I learned from...and moved on. I felt like a caged bird, now I feel as though I can fly. I know that forgiveness is a daily process. I hold on to some amazing friends and cherish the things God taught me there, even the most difficult things. I know He allowed me to grow for challenges ahead. I am overly competitive, outspoken, awkward and crass. I say what you shouldn't ever say, do what a lady should not do and most of the time without a thought in my head. But I can put a dress on and act like a perfect lady if the time calls for it. I love old churches, museums, the theatre and dressing up for fancy dinners. I love art and music – music is my soul. I listen to it close to 24 hours a day. I like outdoor movies, late nights, early mornings watching the sun rise, I’m a dog person. If I am going to be someone’s friend, I want to do it wholeheartly…I can’t be a half a friend to someone. I believe in relationships, marriage more importantly, with all my heart. Yet, I have such a tainted view of it my stomach turns in knots if my marriage becomes the subject of talk. I'm quite afraid to get married, but pray I can every day. I don't just want to have a marriage; I want to have love, I want a life together. I want to succeed more than anything at life. Two of my biggest fear are making the same mistakes over and over again (the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, expecting a different result) and failing at life.
Most importantly, I love Jesus. I am in awe often when I think about how much He loves me and what He chose to do for me. Most of the time I can't comprehend why He still loves me every day, through every mistake I make. I've made so many mistakes in life that I would have given up if I had a choice. But I always had an out - always had Jesus beside me. Just in the moment when I feel I give up, He always comes through - and comes through bigger than I could imagine. If He could go through what He did, why can't I make it through this? I would truly sacrifice my life for Christ if that's what it came down to. I pray I would never deny Him. I want to live my life showing His love and compassion for others - I want to love Him more everyday.

El Su Sorprender

El su sorprender cuando Dios cambia cosas en su vida. Cuando se parece todo alrededor de usted mal, Dios entra ya lo mezvla para arriba! Y hoy - tengo gozo en mi alma. Estoy alegria. Si, muchas cosa siguen siendo mal. Pero hay siempre Dios. Y cada dia - pido a Dios ayuda y sabiduria. Y cada dia El me ayuda con mi vida. Ese es una de las cosa marvillosa de Dios. Tengo gusto de El mucho.
(Translation available upon request )

A Lil Bit-o-Love Goes A Long Way

Contagious...1. capable of being transmitted by bodily contact with an infected person or object: contagious diseases.2. carrying or spreading a contagious disease.3. tending to spread from person to person: contagious laughter.
Sickness is infected from one person to the next when the sickness if contagious. It amazing how we write off contagiousness mostly in sickness and ill being. Bad people create other bad people. When someone is down, they bring those around them down. A bad mood is quite transferrable...easily goes from one person to the next. Think of walking in to work and being greeted, or rather mistreated by a co-worker? Does that start your day in a bad mood?
But what if you are contagious...infectiously contagious, whatever you have JUMPS to the next person? You can't stop what you have from infecting everyone around you...and it just gets everyone you come in contact with infected? Then what...are you this infectious disease? This ill being creating sickness? Or...are you a contagious that people want infecting their life?
Happiness. Love. Peace. Infectious feelings that can be easily transmitted from one person to the next. If you're happy today, those around you will be happier. They'll want to be around you more, you'll want to be around them more! What if you happened to reach out and love just one person? Think of the commercial on TV where others are affected through seeing actions taken in kindness and it inspires them to be kind.
What if we infected others. How fast could the happiness disease spread? And who all would be infected by it? How sick are you today?

Was I Not Good Enough?

Is that what it was? Was I not good enough? You never spoke highly of me. You never told anyone about me. You avoided talking about me when you were on the phone with family and friends. Your parents thought I was just another person, just another story along your road of fortunities. I was just me. But then, I wasn't allowed to be ME. I had to be a secret, this myth they'd heard of, but was never vaidated. Even our friends, people you were close to, thought lies...they thought those lies you'd allowed them to perceive. No, it wasn't that you had lied, it was that you hadn't spoken the truth. The amazing part of it, those who knew the truth, thought you were ridiculous and crazy for not singing praises and shouting the truth to not only your family but the world. Now I wonder where I failed. I wonder what I must have done wrong, what I must have been that was so wrong. What were my shortcomings, failures and demerits? Where did I not fit the mold, that you said I so greatly fit. What was it that I possessed so wrongfully, where did I miss the criterion? Why am I now left feeling so lacking, so completely below par?