Who I Am

I am only me. I'm afraid of people seeing the real me and not liking who I am. But I don't put on a facade - I just keep people at arms length. I only let a few people in, to see the real me...for fear of getting hurt, of them using me against...me, for fear of them ripping apart who I truly am. So...so this is me:
I like coffee, just about anything coffee, far too much. I like to write, it gets what I feel out. I can write a million words before I can allow what I feel to pass my lips. But once I start, sometimes I can't stop. I like peanut butter...on just about anything. I love Gracie more than my life. She's a part of who I am, I can feel what she feels and I know why she is the person she is. My family makes me smile a whole lot...and laugh more often than not. I like snowboarding, but am not good at all. Still I love the invigorating feeling of standing at the top of the mountain with white fresh powder on the hill below you; that first moment of pushing off makes your blood rush and head spin...makes your heart jump with excitement. I love snow, but wish it could be 70, sunny and a snowing. I love the ocean, wish I lived near one. I love the feel of the salty wind on your face, I love waves and how they move you. How the waves are so mesmerizing and controlling, yet comforting. I feel close to God when I stand next to the vast horizon that doesn't seem to end with waves washing upon my feet. I hate hurting others and will allow myself to take the blame if I know they won't get hurt. I like being bad, doing everything I know I shouldn't. It comes naturally I suppose. I've fallen for bad boys because of that. I am very much an 'out of site out of mind' person; I put things away to not remember them. I avoid difficult situations and confrontation. But end up handling them well when I face them. I can be bold and stand up for what I believe, passionately. I rarely do anything unpassionately. I don't like when people try to tell me what I should believe. I don't do anything on command. I like dancing, but need to know I can't! It puts a smile on my face. I would take dance classes if I had the time. I believe I am a nomad with a home. I get antsy if I haven't traveled for a few weeks. I want to travel to almost every country in the world. But not just visit - I want to learn about their culture. I hate how uncultured Americans can be. I would quit my job, work for a charitable non-profit, or something of the sort, and travel the world if I could. I'd rather give of my time than be paid for it. But I love my job just the same. And money. I like nice things, very nice things, but am a good bargain shopper. I like planning. Events, weddings, meetings, awards ceremonies, art shows... Planning out my life and throwing all those plans away to allow God to happen. I avoid thinking about my own wedding because I've planned too many other weddings. I have a great fear of being bridezilla - but at the same time will care much more about being married than the actual wedding ceremony. I believe kissing is a gift from God, we abuse it. Sleep is something I rarely do...I say you can sleep when you're dead. But love taking naps in the afternoon sun. I like tanning, lying out, sun bathing, whatever you please. I love the Minnesota lakes. My cabin is my sanctuary. When I get upset, angry, frustrated, determined I run. I run for miles on end. I can run a good mile, 7 minutes or less. I hate running for excercise - I run for passion. I used to run every night when I lived in Texas, 2 AM, 3 AM, whatever time I got off, I ran. Its my alone time with God. I love clean laundry and don't mind doing it, until it has to be folded. I love the scent and feel of clean sheets and clothes just pulled from the dryer but would rather toss them in the clothes hamper and someone else can fold them. I hate dirty houses. I think I have slight OCD; I do certain things a certain way and never change it (got it from my mum). I walk around brushing my teeth, my roommate hates it, but I'm too much of a multi-tasker to stop. I can do and think a million things at once. I would read a book and do my chores growing up. I would be a good infomercial host. I can be fake happy and excited about something - because of BMI. I'm very, very random. I'll say the most off the wall things - surprising myself with them more than others I think, but only say 1/2 the things that pop into my head. I laugh at myself more often than others do. I find that I am an idiot and say stupid things...just about every hour. I hate talking on the phone; I'd text a whole conversation just to avoid talking. I think I ramble too much...which I do. I will get annoyed talking and say ok bye and just hang up. Then realize I've hung up on someone, I do this a lot. I like when people do things that warm the heart...maybe that's why I like Christmas so much. It makes hearts happy and people are quite charitable. I love the feeling of the mall at Christmas time. Excitement, hurriedness and joy. There's just joy about the birth of Christ. I can be mean, very mean and I'm good at it. Every time I am I feel horrid. Then I want to run and hide. I hate my sin nature, I fight it everyday. And generally, I lose. I grew up out of the US. People think I'm strange for it...I say I'm just different. My family is ridiculously close. But we're just not close, we actually love each other. Strangely enough, they're some of my favorite people. I have a favorite niece and nephew - Jackson and Emilie. They're so adorable; I would send pictures to everyone in the whole world if I could. They're smiles should be shared. It hurts me when others hurt them. My older sister, Cari, and I might have killed each other growing up had it not been for Jesus...but now she's closer than a sister, she's more than a friend and confidant, and she means the world to me. I hate when religious leaders do things unjustly, immoral and corrupt; sadly it happens so often. I know that they hold so many people's blood on their hands. I wish God wouldn't allow them to gain leadership roles. I loathe when people say things they'll do and don't, mostly because I hate when I do it. I respect someone who acts respectful to me. I look like I'm 16 and cherish that fact. I'll stay beautiful til I'm old. I say things like <= because I can never truly be that self confident. I say snobbish things...maybe to get it out of my system? I like LOST, ok I'm addicted to LOST. I watch Grey's every Thursday. I like Friends, Good Morning America and Law & Order. DVR is the only reason I watch any TV. I don't like TV very much. I love sports...I can watch sports on TV. Esp football. I love food, a lot. I get full easily so I eat in shifts. I can drink coffee for any meal. I get into laughing fits and can't stop. I think its Jesus reminding me that joy is medicine to the soul. I love my girlfriends and would never put them on the back burner for a man. I'm not very emotional person...wait let me rephrase that, I don't show others my emotions very often. I loathe crying in front of someone. I cuss far too often, drink way too much and have done so many things that would make my grandma faint that I can't begin to say them all. I try every day to learn from others mistakes and not just my own. I always seem to fall into the same wrong choices. I have visions and desires in my heart, but strangely I feel like Jesus put them on hold. And very strangely I have this illimitable patience that I can't understand. I try to keep my promises, I work hard to be accountable and fail often. I would not wear make up everyday if Sophie had never said to me that I needed it. I try to let go of that fact and wear less and less makeup all the time. But, I'm addicted to mascara. I rarely put makeup on in my house, always in the car. I figure if I truly need it, then I'll have time to put it on. I know how to act a fool (esp with Sonia) and laugh about it for years. Talia was my first and best friend, still is even though she's across the pond. I'm very often glass half full and can't comprehend why others aren't. I know I always can have less. There are so many more deserving people out there then me. Texas was a part of my life I learned from...and moved on. I felt like a caged bird, now I feel as though I can fly. I know that forgiveness is a daily process. I hold on to some amazing friends and cherish the things God taught me there, even the most difficult things. I know He allowed me to grow for challenges ahead. I am overly competitive, outspoken, awkward and crass. I say what you shouldn't ever say, do what a lady should not do and most of the time without a thought in my head. But I can put a dress on and act like a perfect lady if the time calls for it. I love old churches, museums, the theatre and dressing up for fancy dinners. I love art and music – music is my soul. I listen to it close to 24 hours a day. I like outdoor movies, late nights, early mornings watching the sun rise, I’m a dog person. If I am going to be someone’s friend, I want to do it wholeheartly…I can’t be a half a friend to someone. I believe in relationships, marriage more importantly, with all my heart. Yet, I have such a tainted view of it my stomach turns in knots if my marriage becomes the subject of talk. I'm quite afraid to get married, but pray I can every day. I don't just want to have a marriage; I want to have love, I want a life together. I want to succeed more than anything at life. Two of my biggest fear are making the same mistakes over and over again (the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, expecting a different result) and failing at life.
Most importantly, I love Jesus. I am in awe often when I think about how much He loves me and what He chose to do for me. Most of the time I can't comprehend why He still loves me every day, through every mistake I make. I've made so many mistakes in life that I would have given up if I had a choice. But I always had an out - always had Jesus beside me. Just in the moment when I feel I give up, He always comes through - and comes through bigger than I could imagine. If He could go through what He did, why can't I make it through this? I would truly sacrifice my life for Christ if that's what it came down to. I pray I would never deny Him. I want to live my life showing His love and compassion for others - I want to love Him more everyday.