Monday, January 8, 2007

my reality doesn't seem like a REALity

Confusion. Ability. Apprehension. Joy. Aggrevation. Wonder. Fear. Strength. Awe. Life. Pain. Happiness. Endurance. Duty. Hope. Abdication. Love.

All on a whim...all to be determined...somehow. The future holds no certainty. Tomorrow is never promised, yet we are to plan for tomorrow? I confess this above all confuses me... I wish to know what is to come. I wish to know what you want from me, yet it seems just out of my grasp. I feel as though I am a fallen swimmer, having been swept by the oceans pounding waves outside the reach of the life preserver. Is my life not to be preserved? Am I to tread, plead and pray for an answer? No, I must wait. Patience must consume. But what then if I never get my answer? If my question is never heard?
Can one give without having been given to? Can one love without knowing love? Can loves strength be given when it has not been seen? Can one appreciate music, having never listened to music? Can one enjoy a food without eating it? Can I get somewhere without knowing the directions or having the way shown to me? Can one dance with never seen a dance? Is life a line of lessons taught? Or do we know how to live life, with out the life lesson? Must one go through a lesson to know the lesson? Can one learn from another's mistakes?
If I cannot dance with you, is it because you never danced with me? If I cannot give of myself, maybe it is because you have never given to me. If I cannot love you, maybe it is because you have not loved me. Maybe I do not know where to go because you have not shown me the way.

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theatre in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing yhou the way. I used to not like God because God doesn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened..." Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller

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