Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Just How Life Works

I sat at home and cried, cried because I'm not the one. My heart is breaking, I can feel the hurt inside breaking through my chest. "Pregnant!" my friend said, "I'm pregnant!" Excitement shone throughout her whole body. She was radiating joy and anticipation. I sat there...afraid, afraid I'd make a sad or angry or even resentful face. "Wow...that's so exciting...I, I'm happy for you. How...how exciting." I stammered, not knowing what else to say. Should I say I was jealous? Should I tell her we'd been trying? Trying for over three years!? Trying everything that we could, every new invention on the market - we'd even been the object of case studies...yet I still remained childless. Still waiting to become mom. :"Now you guys have to have kids too! Then we can be mommies together and experince to joys of motherhood and pregnancy and everything!" She'd decided all these plans for our kids, all the things I wanted. I couldn't even respond to that. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I held the little outfit I had bought on our honeymoon. The little booties barely fit over two of my fingers. Tears streamed down my cheeks. Three years of trying, yet nothing to show for it. Over time it felt as if anger had just built in my heart, as if God was angry with me...as if He didn't even care. So much effort and time and heart ache put in to bearing a child. And now to add more heart ache on top of that. I have to tell my husband our best friends are having a baby. I had to say those horrible, unthoughtful, and definitely not God given, words. He'll be crushed as well. He'd been so excited to raise a son; to teach him how to play hockey and how to throw a football like a "man." He wanted to teach him to be a gentleman...at least that's what he said three years ago. Now so much time had passed, our hearts ripped out and stompt upon. I sat there a while longer screaming at God inside my head, inside my heart, trying to decide if God was tourturing us more by allowing them to have a baby, when WE truly wanted a child. Why all this...when we'd been trying so hard? Why would this happen right in front of us? Why?