Strange Mix of Things

How is it that I could wake up today excited about the day...yet at the same time completely frustrated? I've had a weird few days the past couple days. I have been completely ... peaceful and happy. At the same time I have been very upset about something that happened. It's quite strange and definitely out of the ordinary for me. I have an abnormal sense of calm and happiness about my life and the people around me, yet something happened that hurts immensely. It feels like a dagger straight to my heart. How can I feel such joy through the pain? God does say joy comes in the morning. Yet I feel as though I am mourning. I guess mainly I am questioning. Wondering. Surviving. Trying to sort through the events that lead up to the situation. I am attempting to well, figure out why what was done, was done.

Thus far, I am okay through it all. You never expect people to hurt you; or rather you wouldn't like to expect for them to. But sometimes, I suppose the inevitable is to come. Maybe we're "due" for a hurting. Okay, yes it sounds wrong or strange, but in essence we are "due for a raise" or "due for a teeth cleaning at the dentist" or better yet "due for a hair cut and color." Why wouldn't we be "due for a hurting or a beating or a thrashing." No, it just doesn't seem right, doesn't seem like God. But isn't that how life seems to be? When life is going grand and you haven't worried about mediocre things of late; that's when it seems all hell breaks loose?

I wish for not only my sake but the other person's sake take could reverse itself and we could take back what they did. But life is a ticking clock. Time can't stop, once the hour glass is empty, there's no stuffing sand back in. I feel sadness and pain not only from what happened, but for the person who hurt me. I despise hurting others, so I feel sad that they have hurt me. Strange, yes. Yet I wish I could take back what they did, for them. Take it back so my pain and "blood" isn't on their hands. Have they no clue how much it hurt? Probably. Do they care? Now, I'm not so sure. I thought they did, but then...I woke today and my mind had change. Sleep and coerced my mind to think a different way.

So today. Today I choose to be happy, yet again. I choose to walk away. Love fills my heart. Some how. Some how it fills me completely yet it doesn't mask the pain. It can't take that away. Maybe it's because of Christmas I feel the happiness I feel. Or maybe because I am reaching out to others. Maybe because I choose to lay my burdens at the cross. Because I know I have a Jesus who takes my cares away. I live the life I live with joy because I carry that with me. I carry Him with me. The mercy and grace we have. What treasures those are. I shall walk in love. Yes my hurts cause me to be stronger. But love causes me to grow.

I Thought Forgiveness was Permenant

I thought I had forgiven you, but obviously not. I thought I had moved on. Now I'm angry again and I can't help but to cry. I had felt no harsh feelings; the frustration and agony gone. But you have brought it all back to the surface. You have caused more heartache. I feel the pain you caused. Now its mixing with the hurt from before. You've left my heart aching. Why is it although I had forgotten, although I had walked away the pain is resurfacing? My heart feels like it's bleeding. I feel the sting of your actions like a slap across my face. You've taken the dagger and ripped out my heart. You've left me pushed down. Clouds have come in and hid the hope of tomorrow. The sun no longer fills my day with happiness. I am angry and afraid.

I had forgotten and been washed of your stench; the stench of your decadence. Your outright injustice. I thought I was clean; rid of the anger, pain and resentment. Now I know I had just masked what was truly there. Poured perfume to hide the scent of what you had left. How could I have been so deceived by my own self? My head had covered up for my heart. My mind playing tricks to help me move on. I though forgiveness was permanent, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe forgiveness is as much as we make of it. Then why can't I make it stay? More so, why must your hurt me this way? I don't understand why you do it? I don't understand why you can't seem to care. I must be done. I had to forgive permanently. This will eat me away. I search my heart for freedom. I search my heart for the door to let the anger out. I beg for forgiveness to reign in my heart. I look for kindness to overshadow my hurt. I look for God to shine the sweet sun of tomorrow on my face.

To Love The Life I Live

Lately I've questioned what people think and feel about me, what they truly think. I want people to love me for the God I love. When it comes down to it, I don't care how people think about me. I don't care what car I drive, I don't care about the clothes I wear, I don't care about the music I listen to, I don't care what words I use.

I care about God. I care about His plan for my life, I care about how much He loves me. What did He think of my day? How did He feel about the people I spent time with? Sure, I love nice clothes, hott cars, amazing music and quite definitely grand words. But I would throw all that away if keeping it meant giving up God.

Blogging, yes it is for you Mandy. I want God to open my eyes to see new things, to appreciate new things and better yet, old things. Things that have been around me I don't truly appreciate and cherish. For me to see my world in a different light.

I want to love the life I live. I want to live the life I live with great intentions. I want to follow after God. I want to wake up daily excited for what God has in store. I want God to unveil the things I have hid from my own eyes. Life is so grand, each day is new. Each day is a re-do to start over and fix what we've let go askew. Let's start today with a smile and know the direction it takes is a gift.

"So I let my words be few. Jesus I am so in love with you."

Saying Goodbye

I stand here to say goodbye to you. I am watching you leave with him. You are so alone yet he stands right next to you. Life has turned upside down. Everything you once knew has now changed. All that you have felt and shared with him has been lost. Your love, your life, your comfort has been stolen from you. Stronger today than yesterday you must be. The guide and bearer of life you have now become. He smiles, yet we don't see the man that was. He's no longer the friend, the father, the lover and advisor, now he must be led. Steady you are, not wavering on the outside. But inside your heart breaks, you don't know what to do or where to turn. Boldness must arise, strength not your own. You must rely on Him and not yourself. A woman unlike any other, a life so amazing. You are astounding, you are the figure of all a woman should be. He turns to you and smiles, you take his hand. Today is a new day, today you will cherish the few moments when you see him. Those moments when you see a glimpse of the past. Today you are stronger. Goodbye I say, yet I wish you weren't going alone. Although alone you won't be, for He shall be by your side.

The Storm

Rain falls on this relationship like a hurricane has swept through. The door has shut and the lock was slipped into place. You now realize what you've done. You decide you want back in, yet you do not have a key. You left that on the counter when you walked out. Feeling cold standing outside without a jacket in the torrential rain, you beg to come back inside. Inside where it is warm and comfortable. Complacent, at ease with where you had been. Afraid and cold you start to cry. Tears do not work, they do not help anything at all. The wind becomes stronger, teasing your body with it's cold arms and laughing whistles. Pounding on the door you yell for me to listen, for anyone to listen. I sit by the fire, warm and silent. I hear what you are saying, I hear your pleas. It is not easy to sit by the wayside and let you have your fate. Let you make your decisions, but I must. I must honor the choice you have made. Time cannot be taken back. Sometimes we must pack up our bags and figure it out all on our own. I let you walk out the door, I let you leave. Sail your ship and face the winds of change. Eventually you will know you had your prerogative, you had your life path and chose which way it would go. Walk that road. Take the place that you went to follow. Embrace the moira in front of you. Take each discretion you have made and walk away. Walk away from the door you pound on out of fear. I must let you leave. I must let life continue it's course. The storm outside will not get you, but you must go.

The Future Looms Brightly

I sit here amazed at where I am...enthralled with who I've become. I walked out of my life at 17 to become an adult. I wake up years later and realize, I accomplished what I wanted without even knowing it. It seems like such a treacherous task while achieving it, yet it is so invigorating, so full-filling. The letting go of adolescence and grasping for maturity. As much as we face the responsibility of what comes with adulthood we face ourselves. We stare the real person we are directly in the face. We must accost the future boldly, the joys a life! Today I sit here excited and embracing all that looms in the untold. Yes, I do not have a clue where my life will lead over the next few years, but I sit here knowing that the future is brilliant. The brilliance of it shines on my face. Afraid and petrified of the mistakes I will make, all the wrong choices. But with knowing this I know each blunder will have a sufficient choice to counteract it. Each moment of life is so intriguing. Life is captivating. I have had moments of pain and frustration of late, but those moments fabricate the fibers of who I am. Dullness isn't something in the fine print of life. Dullness does not exist. Daily we wake up to new, each sun rise is different than the last. Let us embrace the variances in others, each day, in each year, in life. Let us rise anew and look at the sun as it comes up tomorrow as an allowance for starting over. If your life has been hard; use tomorrow as a commencement of who you are, on where you are headed. The next few months are bringing new frontiers to who I am and where I am. They will shape the very future that lies in my path. What I do with them and where I take them to is all up to me. I am choosing to embrace the goals and hopes I have with bliss and enthusiasm. Tonight I am happy to have difficulties and pain, they are shaping who I am. And I have realized I have become someone reputable, someone I enjoy being.

Life Overtaken By Winter

The wind whipped through her hair as she stood there watching him pull out of the driveway. She smiled a tainted smile as he looked back once more. She didn't want him to see her pain. She didn't want him to know this really hurt her. Leaves fell from the trees all around her, the same as her heart fell inside. Her face was flushed and red with anger and the pain she couldn't continue to hide. She walked inside her house as tears flooded her eyes. She leaned against the front door as she closed it. The ache in her heart felt like a slow throbbing death. Falling to her knees as she wept, she gasped for air as all the emotions she had suppressed came rushing to the surface. Wishing she could take back time and reverse all that happened, wishing all the pain could vanish. She had asked him to leave, she had told him to go; not wanting to and having to made everything so complicated. Icicles had formed in her chest, her heart had become a frozen mass. So suddenly everything had changed. Their love had turned to a play; a show for all around them to see. Their emotions were no longer caring. Their love like the leaves whisked away in the wind. His lies and forgotten promises froze with the changing of the seasons. Autumn had brought it's winds and had broken their home. The house no longer and home, but a empty cavern. A cavern that echos with lost memories, moments forever frozen in time. Sadness crept into her heart as she sat on the floor. Listening to the wind taunting the outside of the house, she wished winter was over. The ache in her heart; the ache in her head turned into a life ache. The joy, the kisses, the friendship covered with lies like the grass covered with newly fallen snow. No longer fully visible, but it still lies there. The future loomed before her, nothing seemed clear. A fog had crept in with the new snow. The fog covered all plans that had been made. Now she must determine a new future. Now she must figure out her mistakes.

Don't Make Love (If You Don't Love Me)

Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me to get what you want.Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me for all that I've got.Don't make love and not love me. Don't make love and not care enough.

Sweet kisses and long talks. Laughter as we took walks.Being with you was so fun. You presented a show for everyone.Your play a great sharade. But the game was all but to stay.

Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me to get what you want.Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me for all that I've got.Don't make love and not love me. Don't make love and not care enough.

You played house like anyone would. You had your fun, now you're through.What about me? What am I to be?My house is still here, but it's empty and all too real.

Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me to get what you want.Don't make love if you don't love me. Don't use me for all that I've got.Don't make love and not love me. Don't make love and not care enough.

time

Time is the one thing that we cannot control in our lives. Time is the one thing that we wish we had more of yet it is never possible.

We CANNOT rewind time, delete time, erase time, slow time down, skip time, review or replay time, fast forward time, stop or pause time, end time or change time.

Time is out of our grasp. Time is a vapor, the essence of life. Each of us wishes to do something with it. None of us can change it. We must live with how time is. Time is time.

So now, we must live with time. We live with each day as it is, as it has been set from the beginning of time. Life is based on time. Our lives are lived around time. We live with this tutelary thing, an intengible ascendancy of our lives. Time

Drowning

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't feel my own body. I am drowing in my own life. I can't walk away. Frozen I stand here still. Screams inside my head. My heart pounds in my chest, gasping for air I feel faint. I can't go on. I can't move away. I stare in fear and regret. Alone I wait. Wait for nothing to happen, noone to come. Alone I am here. Clenching my chest I try to get the air, I try to breathe. Scared I begin to try. Tears rush down my cheeks. I stumble to the ground. Help, I want to scream. I want to get up and run but I can't move. Afraid of what's before me. Afraid of my situation. Longing for help, longing for something greater to pull me down. Drenched in sweat, Iwrench my lungs for any breathe I can grasp. Digging my fingers in the dirt, pain fills my body. My heart pounds, my head throbbing. Screaming inside, yet stillness surrounds me. Fear grasps me as I move on the dirt, searching, searching for anyone to help. I lie there drowning, downing in my own life, I wait. I wait for the inevitable, I wait for what's to come. Breathe I have not, life I feel no longer. Pain fills my whole being. I am drowing in my own will to live. Drowing my own self.

I Am Me

Giving in to the necessary. Giving in to what I must do. Walking away and letting go. Sometimes I don't know what more I can say or do. I know that this is all I have to give. I've been left empty and there is no more left to me. I gave and gave all if not more. I held nothing back. I am who I am and there is no part of me I am ashamed of. I hope you understand that I love and can't understand with holding love. I was made to care, I was made to appreciate, I was made to be me. I was made as He intended and that is what you get. I see you aren't taking it. I see you've decided not to purchase. I will stay on the shelf and wonder why I am not good enough. I will wonder why I don't live up. But I am me. I am who I am and I don't care to change. I don't care to be different. Appreciate the good and learn to help me change the bad; that's all I wanted. Yet, you wanted no part of it. So here I am. Still the empty bottle on the shelf, for I've given it all out. So what is left? What is left, is me.
I am just me.

Letting Go for the Best

Letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let you walk away while I stand here with my heart broken is terrible. The pain I feel overwhelms me. The pain is so hard to bear. My love for you is so great, but I must have freedom, I must have what is necessary.

I want you so greatly, I need your body near mine. I want your kisses and passion. I want your dreams. Wanting your dreams is what allows me to give you the future, the future you need.

I walk away and let go of your hand, I smile to hide my pain. The tears begin to fall before I can make my getaway. My face turns so you can't see how I truly feel. "Goodbye," is all I can say. I love you, don't leave is what my heart wishes to scream.

Thoughts of you, your life, your fun, your excitement make me yearn for you. My head wishes to run back to you, my heart knows it's not for the best. Why must love feel so grand yet hurt so great. Goodbye is what I say. Goodbye is what I can not take.

I love you and I wish you the best.

Love That I Need

Why do you withhold your love from me? Why don't you share what you feel? My heart is briming with love that can't go anywhere. I can't give my love not to be loved. I can't share how much I care.

Sweet kisses, smiles, and touches make our love. Oh your love so sweet, but fear so great that keeps our hearts from going where they should.

My heart yearns, breaks to be with you. Your love apart of my life, that is held back without reason. Afraid of the future, I am, but more afraid of what you won't give.

I need you in my life, I need your passions, your life, your love. I need you. I need to understand your heart and dreams.

I love so deeply. I love uncontrolably. I care so greatly. You make me feel whole, you make me want more, you make me appreciate life. But I need your love given back to me. I need all of you.

A Knight in Shining Armour

Are women always looking to be rescued? Do we wait around for a "knight in shining armour" to come and "sweep us off our feet"? Are we always wanting someone to help us in life? Why is it that life is focused on marriage and babies? Some women wait around their whole lives for "Mr. Right", but what if he doesn't exist? Then what? What if your "Mr. Right" never comes along? What happens to the girl who's heart is broken by "Mr. Oh-So-Wrong" and then is afraid to wait again for that right guy to come along. What if my heart is broken too badly to alloy my eyes to be opened for the right one? Why does love and life and everything seem so complicated sometimes? Worry not, I know this, but wondering seems to creep into everyday life. What if all us girls deep down inside, no matter how independent we are, we are waiting for our "man in a shining car" to come along and "sweep us into their vehicle"? Maybe it's not like fairytales or storybooks or movies, but it's like life. And everyday I see women around me waiting for that one guy to make them feel alright. To make them want to continue on with life. I don't want to feel that way. I want him to be there when he is there. I want his love, but I want him to want to give it. I want care, and compassion and appreciation. I want my own version of "Mr. Right" and not "Mr. Rightnow." Maybe Cinderella would have been better if she hadn't had gone to the ball. She could have started her own business and gotten away from the evil step-mother sometime. Why did she have to be rescued by a man? Couldn't a girlfriend have helped her runaway? What if Aerial never had seen Eric and wanted to change into a human? Why can't we all just stay mermaids or more so the women we are and not worry about becoming human or wives or whatever we feel the need to be? I want to stay a mermaid, I want to be me. I don't want my life to be a Disney move, I want the real thing. I don't want the feeling of needing to be rescued, I want the feeling of living. I want the wind in my hair, excitement runing through me...all the joys of everyday without the wisper of a rescue needed. I want to be me.

Appreciation

Ever felt unappreciated for what you do? Or more so underappreciated? Sometimes people pretend to appreciate what you do, but truly don't mean it. Ever been a really good friend and put a lot of effort into your relationship with someone and they don't appreciate all you do?

Sometimes I just want to walk away and not put effort into somethings anymore. You can't give of yourself until there's nothing left. Relationships are a two-way street, it's gotta go both ways.

Once, I had a friend; a suppossed "good" friend that I put HUGE effort into. Well this person was a complete flake and I started to pull back. Eventually I pulled back completely. Pretty soon we didn't spend any time together, didn't talk and soon we weren't even what I would consider friends. A few months passed and the person finally approached me and asked me why I was mad at them. What the hell do they think? It wasn't exactly that I was mad, it was that I can't be the only one giving. Ok, so on some level, yes I was mad. But that wasn't the whole of it; APPRECIATE THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND! Make some effort on your part as well.

Appreciation goes for many things; FAMILY, friends, co-workers, assistants, dog walkers, car washers, SUBWAY workers...we tend not to appreciate people around us. People we commuicate and deal with on a daily basis. I know I forget to be thankful for Housekeeping who cleans our hotel rooms every day, my mum who does so much for me, my dad who is attached to my hip (just kidding Papa) or Amy who talks non-stop at work and entertains me. If we want to be appreciated why don't we start with appreciating those around us. We will easily be annoyed that McD's messed up our order, but we fail to be thankful that this time they go it right.

So, in appreciating, we must VOICE how we feel. Say, "I appreciate what you've done" or "I appreicate it when you...". Let's work on it and see how things start to change, how our outlook starts to change. I know I want to be appreciate as your friend, as a professional and as a human being.

The Knife I Hold In My Hand Carries Your Blood

I hurt you and I can feel your pain. God, why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to hurt you so greatly? My heart feels like it is breaking for what I did. I can't make myself think about it, I can't take the pain. Looking in your face and seeing all that you feel all that you want...

Why can't this be over with? Why can't we walk away and pretend it never happened? Why do I have to love and care that your heart is broken in two? Why did I have to be the one who did it? The knife in my hand, with your blood on it. Your heart wrenched in two.

Your passion, your desire, your wants, your needs; they are all slammed in my face. I am frustrated and I can't handle it. I feel nauseous, I feel weak, I feel faint. God, why did it turn out like this? I never wanted it to go down this path. I never wanted you to put yourself on the edge.

You can't help what you want, but I can't help what I want either. What I need is the harder part. Why are the hardest thing and the right thing always the same. I feel weak and vulnerable, I feel horrible. I can't bear the thought of your pain. Why do I feel so....mean?

Why can't it be next week? Why can't it be a year from now? Why can't the pain be erased? I drove the knife that caused your pain. I shut the door that seemed to close your future. You ignore, you become mad, you are hurt.

Your pain isn't as great as mine. The struggle I felt, feel is overbearing. I know this is right, but it feels so completely...difficult. You don't understand, and for now I know you won't. Your life at a stand still. Your dreams tossed to the wolves.

I feel anguish knowing this would happen before it did, knowing I walked in while you were blindly lead to the slaughter. You care so deeply, you want so badly, you seem in such need. I must walk away and allow you to heal. I can't bandage the wounds I caused; I can't correct what I had to do. Pain so great from the wound, but my heart is broken as well.

*(this isn't about doing something wrong, disobedience and such. This is about doing something right and in the process hurting someone, someone you care about. Making the right decision and knowing the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.)*

So last night I was talking with someone I used to be friends with. And we were discussing life dreams and what you want to get out of life. What do you want your life to accomplish? What are your life goals? Now today I have pondered those questions. Honestly, you want my honest answer??

-I don't know-

Well it's not that I don't know, I would say it's more so I'm not sure exactly what I do want. Ok, that I can say either. I know, I know I'm going in circles. Here let me lay it all out for you: sure I'd love to say in the great "5-year plan" (thank you to the movie"Big Daddy") I have a bunch of dreams to have accomplished. I want to be all that I can be. I want to do what God has called me to do. In fact, I think it's what I need. I think everyone needs those two things, but you have to figure out exactly what that is.

So now my question for you is: what are your life dreams? What do you want your life to achieve? What are you going to be known for? No, no this isn't a redundant question, this is a real - hit me with the answer quesiton. I want to know. Hey, what if you have a great dream that I might want to add to my list? And no, I don't care to hear anything crude, rude or quite possibly something that you know is astoundingly ridiculous. Please spare me the gory details. I don't care if you want to win a pie eating contest, though be it an umm...interesting accomplishment. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do?

Are you going to get every last thing you can out of life? Are you going to "suck the marrow" and do all you can? Could you impact the world like Mother Teresa? WOW! Imagine changing lives everyday! Imagine lives still being changed after you are gone! What are you going to do to get everything out of every moment of your life?

"Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

"Suck all the marrow out of life."

John Keating - "Dead Poets Society"

"Dead Poets Society" - if you haven't seen it, watch it. Robin Williams challenges his students to get out there, do what they love and well, mostly he wants them to express themselves! To be the men that he sees in them.

So now it's your turn. Let the world know exactly what you are thinking. For some of you, just putting it out there will be a challenge. Some of you it will bubble out and over flow! It's going to be great.

Peace Within

Cold, afraid and tired she wandered down the streets in search of somewhere to hide for the night. Stumbling on the broken cobblestones of the New York City streets she hurried out of the road. Splashed by the passing taxi she moved closer to the line of buildings along the road. Hurrying away from a large group of people watching her as she passed them, she darted into a storefront entryway. Leaning her head back on the door she savered the warmth coming through the door. She stole a quick glance back in the direction she came. Good noone following me. Afraid of not only the people roaming the streets, she now had grown afraid of the police. Here to protect and serve, yeah right. Dashing back on to the sidewalk she hurried further down the street. In hopes of finding a small area to be hidden for the night, she looked in and out of the shop and apartment entries. Nothing. Afraid she would wander for the night, reaching in her pocket and counting her few dollars again. Only eighteen left. She could spare five for a safe night, couldn't she?

Just then a man grabbed her arm and shoved her against the window of the store she was passing. The window brightly displayed various women's clothing and lingere with bright red and gold Christmas advertisements. She screamed out in pain and he firmly grasped her shoulder with his large hand. "Hello, honey. How much money do you have?" "I...I don't have anything," she barely stammered out. "You little liar and cheat. Give me what you have," he roared back. Fear rushed through her as she stared up at the man pinning her back against the wall.

Not again, she thought. I can't loose what little money I have. She sqeezed her eyes shut as the memories flooded her mind. Memories of beatings, leaving her bleeing and bruised. Times where every penny was stolen from her. And worst of all, rape. The pain she felt. Emptiness that left her cold on the inside and afraid of everyone around her. Physically hurting for weeks. She had no one to help her, to cause her to understand. To help her heal. To wrap their arms around her. Someone to tell her everything would be ok. Someone to help her continue on.

"C'mon Frank, can't you see the girl doesn't have much if she even has anything. Let's go down to the bar. Find a pretty girl down that way." A man pulled Frank off of her. Shoving her back into the wall one last time Frank yelled in her year, "It's your lucky night little girl. Thank God Johnny's buying me a drink!"

She rushed away quickly as soon as he let go. She hurried accross the street. I have to get away from him, far away. Thoughts flooded her mind, fear tracing it's way through every part of her body. Afraid to look back and find Frank rushing to catch her, she ran with all the strength she had left. Don't look back, keep going. She pleaded with her body to cooperate with her mind.

Turning the corner she saw a building lying ahead. Such intricate design. The large windows cascaded light onto the streets in blues, greens, reds and violets. The composition of the building dated back centuries and caused it to stand out in the dingy streets. Looking up at it she felt drawn to it. Three stories high, it seemed to dominate the street. The arrangement of the building with large stained glass windows, great pillars lined the front and created a sense of domination. Her gazed followed up to the steeple that rose out of the roof top. A great design had been carved into the cross. Flowers and words were scribed in it. With the rain falling she couldn't make out the words written on it.

Please be open, please be open. She begged as she ran up the stairs to the front door. It opened quickly as she pushed on the latch bar. Holding the door so it would close quietly, she slipped her shoes off so they wouldn't squeak on the stone floor. Slipping inside the sanctuary quietly her breath left her. The beauty inside far surpassed the beauty of the outside. Peace flooded her as she slipped into a pew towards the back of the large room.

Looking around she noticed she was alone in this room, but heard faint music coming from back behind the stage and pulpit. She took her jacket off and she shook it out. Lying it on the ground underneath the pew in front of her, she hoped it would dry quickly. Bundling her sweater up into a pillow she lay down. Ducking underneath the pew as not to be noticed she curled up into a ball. Sighing deeply she hoped sleep would come quickly. And without the nightmares she had faced since the night she had been raped.

Sleep overtook her quickly. She never even notice she hadn't felt afraid for the first time since she had spent that first night sleeping on the streets. Peace filled her heart. It was a warm feeling on the inside of her.

I Let You Go...

Tears fill my eyes as I walk away from you. As I turn to leave I know my heart is breaking. Why must the best decision to make always be the hardest? Why does my heart have to hurt so much?

I know that I love you but that means I must let you go. Oh, how my heart yearns to be with you. Our moments together so few and random. Our time together such diamonds that sparkle through time. They sparkled with our love, our laughter, our hearts bonding.

Your touch was tender and caring. You eyes shone with love. Your caress was soft and in control. You guided me along our path. Your lips kissed mine with passion and desire.

As I leave I know you can't understand why I have to go. I know time will spill the tale. Anguish fills my head with questions, my heart feels ripped in two. Your freedom is necessary, your wings must be spread. I can't hold you back from what you must do.

I love you and that is why I must go.

A Life Unseen

She walked on to the bridge, she'd prepared herself to jump. Her life void and worthless, so she thought. She'd lived, loved and tried with all her heart, with what to show? Nothing, she thought, no money, no car, no job, no friends...huh! and no family. She was afraid of what was lying before her that night. She had no where to turn, no one to run to. This was her end. This was her fate.

She climbed the edge of cement wall and reached her hand around to grasp the outside. She felt her heart beating like a drum in her chest. Tears streamed down her face as she looked at the waters below. The mighty Mississippi so many called it. Mighty it was. The water rushed as the rain added to the gallons already pushing over the banks. Her vision blury from the nonstop tears she tried to steady herself as she held on to a steel frame bar of the bridge.

This is it, I can't look back now. Over the past months she'd considered and anticipated this moment many times. After running out of money, loosing her small apartment and then...she couldn't think of it, the pain was too great. Then...then... then loosing her baby she'd grown to love. She hadn't wanted to be a mom, it had just happened. As she felt the baby grow inside of her, she had felt life once again. Til the day it stopped.

It had stopped so abruptly. No movement, no butterflies from within. Then the pain, oh the pain! She had known what was happening, but couldn't think about it. She had made it through - "Sadly", she wispered aloud. The most freightening moment of her life, until tonight.

All that she had worked for gone. All she had imagine in her future seemed void. Nothing else mattered. When she was gone, no one would notice. Her few pocessions lying on the bridge below her would be all that was left.

As she closed her eyes to leap she wispered a quick prayer, "God forgive me for what I must do, but no one will care. No one will notice. You'll understand. I...I'm sorry." Opening her eyes and leaning to jump...

_

She never heard the cries yelling her name above the wind that wipped about her face nor above the roar of the waters below. She never saw as people mourned her passing, people who missed her greatly.

~every life matters, every life is noted, every life has meaning~

Love Caught in the Heart

She walked in the room; the breathe caught in his chest. Her body enticed him, her figure so amazing. Yet she didn't know the impact she had on him. When her gaze met his, he knew his heart skipped a beat.
How she is mine, I'll never understand he thought to himself. Brushing his lips against hers, his kiss greeted her with love. She sat close to him, leaning on his shoulder.

In all the dinners, walks in the park, movies and late night phone calls he still couldn't get enough of her. Her eyes shown with life, her lips the perfect shade of red, her laughter so completely contageous; one couldn't help but join in. Her zest for life and desire to take it all in caused him to yearn for more as well.

She smiled and said, "I love you." He wispered the words back he could barely speak when she was around. Love had never felt so good. When he held her close he could feel their hearts beat as one.

He couldn't try to compare their love, nothing would measure up. The love that they shared, the love he felt. When he first knew he loved her, fear filled his heart. Now only compassion and desire for more took any place in the deepest of parts. Hope for the future and excitement for what is to come were the only emotions he wanted to feed.

Their love filled him, his heart complete.

A Different View Outside My Window

My heart has done a great deal of searching and spinning in the past few days. No, I am not different, but I do have a different outlook. I almost feel as if I am looking at a different scene outside my window.

How many of you would say that you are capable of committing murder? WOW, what a brash question. Well think about it. Do you think some day you could take a gun and actually kill someone?? Do you think you could steal someone's car, burn their house or kidnap their child?

--STOP--

Think about that for a moment and answer those questions in your head to yourself. Keep that answer in the back of your mind as I continue...in a little different direction.

Let's flip to a very elementary learning. Right and wrong, good and bad, obeying and disobeying. But let's go back to your childhood. We are taught not to; hit, say mean things, lie, steal, cheat, murder, etc... It's just the American way. Teach your children right from wrong. How many of you stole pieces of candy or told little white lies or snuck out in high school or drank when your parents told you not to? Yes, each of us starts with a sin nature. Each of us has the urge to disobey. So in raising us our parents are trying to teach us to fight the sin nature, which is urging us to do wrong.

Now, lets go to a controversial subject; The War in Iraq. Yes, a difficult subject for me. My brother-in-law was at war for a long time and one of my very good friends was severely injured in Iraq fighting for the Iraqi's freedom. Ok, so we as Americans and people of "Western Civilization" see the Iraqi or more so muslim people as terrorists. Yes, I do believe some are terrorists, but bear with me for a moment.

Ok, now let's look at a an Iraqi or maybe even a muslim child's upbringing. They are taught right from wrong as well...except their upbringing is quite a bit different. Muslim children are raise that giving their lives and taking others is a way to serve their god and their country. They are taught that they are killing for a good cause. They are taught their way is.

So what we see as murderous, hateful, terroristic is what they see as honorable and justified and right. Those of you who said you couldn't murder or couldn't steal or any of those things have to think again. You were raised not to, but when it comes down to it, you have a sin nature and must fight the battle against it each day. You must choose not to succumb to the urge to fight, steal, cheat or even murder. You have to teach your flesh who is in charge.

No, I do not believe muslims are correct. I believe each of us is taught something in our upbringing and we live with the consequences today. Because of Abraham and Ishmel thousands of years ago we live with a malcontent group of people who wage war against others. Each decision made has a result; an outcome and people live with your choices many, many years later.

So in essence you should look inside yourself and realize we can't deem ourselves as better than the people we fight today. We too have the very chance of becoming what we see. So pray for those you deem less than you because really you are no greater.

Compromise Doesn't Mean Compromising Who You ARE

Every relationship takes compromise. Takes sacrifice. "Give and take" a little. It's a two-way street. Relationships take work and that means to not focus on the small things and allow room for mistakes, they will happen.

But when have you compromised too much? When are you compromising who you are? When have you sacrificed so much you may loose sight of who you started out to be?

Don't sacrifice who you are for the other person. So you like to eat sushi? Chow down, just take a girlfriend you rarely get to see. Is she deathly afraid of heights? Make your buddy go sky diving with you, she'll forgive you (although, I wouldn't! I'll be your sky diving buddy!!). Don't give up things you like to do or eat for the other person. Keep on being who you are, just don't push the other person to become like you.

Compromise means the things in everyday life, not changing who you are; the toilet seat, the movie you watch tonight or who's family to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with. Don't compromise what you believe for the best guy around, it probably isn't a healthy relationship. So she's gorgeous?, don't give up God because she doesn't believe there is one. That's when you aren't yourself anymore.

Why would you ever want to push the person to be something that you want? Didn't you like the person when you first met them? Allow people to be who they are, love them for their individuality.

Why try to fit a mold of something they want you to be? Compromising who you aren't isn't compromising in a relationship. Sacrificing watching your favorite TV show because their band has "a gig" at the local blues bar. Or running to the mall because there's "a huge sale on jeans", as if she doesn't have a 1000 pairs already!

Compromising is the best thing you'll learn. Maybe you will head to a new city or try a new ice cream flavor or ride a bull. Whatever it is, compromise is a necessity in life.

Just don't compromise who you are.

Falling In Love With the Wrong Person?

If you can't help whom you love....how does one control the love they feel? The saying goes that you can't control whom you fall in love with. Welll....then what happens what you are in love and you need to control those feelings? Isn't that quite impossible? I say it's the most difficult task you could ever have at hand. If you fall in love...truly....madly....deeply, it's just there. It bears a hole in your heart; it encompasses your being. It becomes who you are.

...think about it. How often have you heard conversations or people referenced to like this: so-and-so's boyfriend, such-n-such's wife. "Oh, he married that beautiful Brazilian woman who's not the brightest crayon in the box." insert waiver-I am not prejudice, my cousins are Brazilian!!! "She married that amazing CEO who makes millions a year. How'd she ever get him?" Oh, shut your mouth; don't even say you've never said anything like that before! I've heard you say it a 1000 different ways. I don't think we say things like that to label people or to act against someone... but eventually you become who you love.

So a woman gets married; takes her husbands name. She BECOMES his wife; she becomes Mrs. husband's name and LAST NAME HERE. A man becomes a married man and no longer is a bachelor; nope you can't "play the field" anymore. You are officially a hubby.

So the love that we carry inside eventually comes out to be what we are. What if you fall in love and it's not "meant to be?" Or what if you fall in love and it isn't the right time? Then what? Then your heart suffers and you must decide how to disguise your feelings? Sure, either one is quite possible, but I don't think that is what God had in mind. Don't you think that He wanted you to love with all your heart? Don't you think that He wanted you to soar high and shout it from the roof tops?? YES! Love was created for us to feel, to yearn for, to drive us forward. Love is our purpose. God wanted us to love Him. But He also said, "Love one another." That love is what creates us who we are. How can we try to keep ourselves from coming out? How can we push our destiny away?

What do you think? Where is our love supposed to go? What are we to do with love that we've tried to stifle, but it doesn't work? What happens when YOU love the wrong person?

My Gift Given Without My Consent

Given to me without a choice. Given on such great obligations. Obligations I must live up to, yet have not a guide nor paradigm. Given with little regard to my wishes, my desires or cares.

Such a great gift I can't explain. Every experience, laughter, joy; every moment a treasure. Every heartbreak, failure and tear a result of this gift. A wonder it's own. I am a result of it. It controls, it moves and is my every fiber and being.

It rides on every breath I breathe. It dwindles each moment I live. The sand in the clock falls slowly and cannot be stopped. So little and so short, yet it seems to last forever. Yes, a lifetime.

Life, but a moment fleeting in time. Such a grand reward for living, such a prize. No price can be given, for life is invaluable. Your measured amount never known til it's past. Your last breathe a leaving gift from God. Life, but a wonder and marvel.

More costly than money, more cherished than love. Yet we take it for granted and give not a second thought. Every year, month, day, second in time slipping away slowly but we let it fly by the wayside.

My life, my treasure, my very being so august. A gift not to be taken lightly. A gift given without my choice. A gift I honor and apprize.

Butterflies of Love

Kisses in the early morning. The moon shining down. The summer breeze surrounds us. Your eyes sparkle in the night. You smile makes my heart jump. Your finger caresses my face. I cant fight the feelings anymore. You bring me joy.

Your hand grabs mine. You lead and guide me. Your strength is compelling. Every moment spent with you, I wish was frozen in time.

Your laughter lights up my life. Walking along the path you guide me. Dancing under the stars. You hold me close. You kiss my hair and I breathe you in. You are becoming apart of me.

I want you here forever. I want you close to me. Your warmth encompasses me. Your touch is amazing.

All I went through to be with you. All I endured to have to you close seems like a distant feat. Love shines on the horizon. Tomorrow is drawing close. You turn my face to yours, your kiss is soft. You smile and I know how you feel, my heart is the same.

Your Love

Your love is the flowers in the spring, colorful leaves in the fall, Christmas snowflakes on my eyelashes and summer most of all!.

Your love is the shiny Christmas presents, my birthday bash, Easter baskets hidden, Forth of July fireworks that end with a blast.

Your love is the laughter that fills my heart, the tears that stream down my face, the joy I hope will never be erased.

Your love is diamonds shinning in the sun, sweet kisses all day, your arms holding me close. I pray your love is here to stay.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Fajitas

So they say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. But, I think I would take the lemons, make fajitas and use the lemon juice on my fajitas, chips and toss the rest in my water. That's the best! Yeah, lemonade is grand (especially Ms. Valindas!!) but fajitas would fill me more, and quite practically are my favorite food. And well, lemonade is only the best in summer right?

I guess when life is difficult you can either stick through it, or you can get up and do something about it. Life's been difficult for me these last few weeks or so dealing with family deaths, injuries and hardships. And well I am doing something about it. I have learned to take my lesson from a situation and walk away better off because of it. My Grama taught me to never regret anything that happens or I will regret my life away.

The last year I lived in Texas was hard, extremely hard, but I walked away a better and stronger woman because of it. People don't always treat you right and life's not fair. But fair wouldn't be fun, would it? Sometimes you want to be the person who ends out on top and sometimes you just cant.

I guess what I am saying is that I am glad for who I am becoming because of the hardships I have dealt with. Some hard things mold you into a better person and some can cause you to be bitter. I choose not to be bitter and I choose to be the bigger person and love through it all. I am strong because of the arrows that were shot at me. I used my shield to reflect them and taught the others that I wont surrender. I sought the right path and headed in the right direction. Just because someone else does something wrong, doesn't mean you have to retaliate. Oh believe me, how I wanted to strangle some people at times. HA! But yeah, I let 'em live. They will have their own time, besides they answer to God, which is a whole lot scarier than I will ever be!

So when you are going through hard things and want the world around you to fade away its OK. Keep going through the darkness and a light will shine somewhere. But until it does, pull out your cell phone, blackberry or what have you and use it to show your footsteps ahead. I haven't made any lemonade lately, but I sure have eaten some good fajitas. Well right now I am full. I am taking my hardships and learning through them all. If you have any other questions, I think life can teach you along your path. Just keep going in the right direction.

Falling In Love With You

Everyday I feel myself move closer to the edge. I am afraid I will fall in love with you. How can I let this happen? I told myself I wouldn't. What if I do fall, will you catch me?
When you talk my heart leaps. When I wake up, I wonder if you will call. When we've spent the day together, I go to sleep happy.
How can this be? I didn't think my heart would feel so soon. I try to hold the feelings back but they only return stronger. When will I know if this is real? I am afraid to fall. I don't know if I am ready for this. Am I ready and just holding myself back? Do you understand me more than I realize?
I smile when I think of you. I laugh at what you say, even when you are gone. Just the sight of you makes me catch my breath. When you hold me I am safe. The touch of your hand causes my heart to beat.
Am I ready for love? Can you possibly want me as much as I want you? When will you tell me how you feel? Will I be ready to hear those words? What will my heart feel back?
You make me laugh. You make me smile. You make me happy. You teach me. You understand who I am. You challenge me. You care about me.
Have you become a part of me.....

Write For My Last Breath

So I've always said I could write 1000 words before I could ever say anything. One of my friends used to pressure me to open up and share what was inside of me, constantly. I guess that was part of the reason our friendship is not what it used to be. Granted there were several other circumstances and situations that changed our friendship. I am very candid when it comes to life, purpose and God. But I am a closed person on the inside. I have very vivid memories of my parents asking me questions; why I had done something, what I was thinking or feeling when tragic events occured or even what I wanted in life. I literally could not say anything...my only response was "I don't know." Because truthfully, sometimes I don't know. I don't know what I think until I begin to write it out...I don't know how I feel until I make time to get away and begin to feel it. I don't know until allow myself to break. Tragic events I suppose cause me to hurt, be afraid and such; but I pull to myself. I typically don't run to another person to gain strength, I look for the strength God has given me and put on the inside where I've tucked it away. I KNOW there are moments when I do need a person's ear, someone to hold me or even to look someone in the eye and tell how I truly feel. I write to say the little things I cannot find the words to express or the life I feel inside of me. I write to share what a heart feels when it is most alone in the crowd of a thousand people.