time

Time is the one thing that we cannot control in our lives. Time is the one thing that we wish we had more of yet it is never possible.

We CANNOT rewind time, delete time, erase time, slow time down, skip time, review or replay time, fast forward time, stop or pause time, end time or change time.

Time is out of our grasp. Time is a vapor, the essence of life. Each of us wishes to do something with it. None of us can change it. We must live with how time is. Time is time.

So now, we must live with time. We live with each day as it is, as it has been set from the beginning of time. Life is based on time. Our lives are lived around time. We live with this tutelary thing, an intengible ascendancy of our lives. Time

Drowning

I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't feel my own body. I am drowing in my own life. I can't walk away. Frozen I stand here still. Screams inside my head. My heart pounds in my chest, gasping for air I feel faint. I can't go on. I can't move away. I stare in fear and regret. Alone I wait. Wait for nothing to happen, noone to come. Alone I am here. Clenching my chest I try to get the air, I try to breathe. Scared I begin to try. Tears rush down my cheeks. I stumble to the ground. Help, I want to scream. I want to get up and run but I can't move. Afraid of what's before me. Afraid of my situation. Longing for help, longing for something greater to pull me down. Drenched in sweat, Iwrench my lungs for any breathe I can grasp. Digging my fingers in the dirt, pain fills my body. My heart pounds, my head throbbing. Screaming inside, yet stillness surrounds me. Fear grasps me as I move on the dirt, searching, searching for anyone to help. I lie there drowning, downing in my own life, I wait. I wait for the inevitable, I wait for what's to come. Breathe I have not, life I feel no longer. Pain fills my whole being. I am drowing in my own will to live. Drowing my own self.

I Am Me

Giving in to the necessary. Giving in to what I must do. Walking away and letting go. Sometimes I don't know what more I can say or do. I know that this is all I have to give. I've been left empty and there is no more left to me. I gave and gave all if not more. I held nothing back. I am who I am and there is no part of me I am ashamed of. I hope you understand that I love and can't understand with holding love. I was made to care, I was made to appreciate, I was made to be me. I was made as He intended and that is what you get. I see you aren't taking it. I see you've decided not to purchase. I will stay on the shelf and wonder why I am not good enough. I will wonder why I don't live up. But I am me. I am who I am and I don't care to change. I don't care to be different. Appreciate the good and learn to help me change the bad; that's all I wanted. Yet, you wanted no part of it. So here I am. Still the empty bottle on the shelf, for I've given it all out. So what is left? What is left, is me.
I am just me.

Letting Go for the Best

Letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let you walk away while I stand here with my heart broken is terrible. The pain I feel overwhelms me. The pain is so hard to bear. My love for you is so great, but I must have freedom, I must have what is necessary.

I want you so greatly, I need your body near mine. I want your kisses and passion. I want your dreams. Wanting your dreams is what allows me to give you the future, the future you need.

I walk away and let go of your hand, I smile to hide my pain. The tears begin to fall before I can make my getaway. My face turns so you can't see how I truly feel. "Goodbye," is all I can say. I love you, don't leave is what my heart wishes to scream.

Thoughts of you, your life, your fun, your excitement make me yearn for you. My head wishes to run back to you, my heart knows it's not for the best. Why must love feel so grand yet hurt so great. Goodbye is what I say. Goodbye is what I can not take.

I love you and I wish you the best.

Love That I Need

Why do you withhold your love from me? Why don't you share what you feel? My heart is briming with love that can't go anywhere. I can't give my love not to be loved. I can't share how much I care.

Sweet kisses, smiles, and touches make our love. Oh your love so sweet, but fear so great that keeps our hearts from going where they should.

My heart yearns, breaks to be with you. Your love apart of my life, that is held back without reason. Afraid of the future, I am, but more afraid of what you won't give.

I need you in my life, I need your passions, your life, your love. I need you. I need to understand your heart and dreams.

I love so deeply. I love uncontrolably. I care so greatly. You make me feel whole, you make me want more, you make me appreciate life. But I need your love given back to me. I need all of you.

A Knight in Shining Armour

Are women always looking to be rescued? Do we wait around for a "knight in shining armour" to come and "sweep us off our feet"? Are we always wanting someone to help us in life? Why is it that life is focused on marriage and babies? Some women wait around their whole lives for "Mr. Right", but what if he doesn't exist? Then what? What if your "Mr. Right" never comes along? What happens to the girl who's heart is broken by "Mr. Oh-So-Wrong" and then is afraid to wait again for that right guy to come along. What if my heart is broken too badly to alloy my eyes to be opened for the right one? Why does love and life and everything seem so complicated sometimes? Worry not, I know this, but wondering seems to creep into everyday life. What if all us girls deep down inside, no matter how independent we are, we are waiting for our "man in a shining car" to come along and "sweep us into their vehicle"? Maybe it's not like fairytales or storybooks or movies, but it's like life. And everyday I see women around me waiting for that one guy to make them feel alright. To make them want to continue on with life. I don't want to feel that way. I want him to be there when he is there. I want his love, but I want him to want to give it. I want care, and compassion and appreciation. I want my own version of "Mr. Right" and not "Mr. Rightnow." Maybe Cinderella would have been better if she hadn't had gone to the ball. She could have started her own business and gotten away from the evil step-mother sometime. Why did she have to be rescued by a man? Couldn't a girlfriend have helped her runaway? What if Aerial never had seen Eric and wanted to change into a human? Why can't we all just stay mermaids or more so the women we are and not worry about becoming human or wives or whatever we feel the need to be? I want to stay a mermaid, I want to be me. I don't want my life to be a Disney move, I want the real thing. I don't want the feeling of needing to be rescued, I want the feeling of living. I want the wind in my hair, excitement runing through me...all the joys of everyday without the wisper of a rescue needed. I want to be me.

Appreciation

Ever felt unappreciated for what you do? Or more so underappreciated? Sometimes people pretend to appreciate what you do, but truly don't mean it. Ever been a really good friend and put a lot of effort into your relationship with someone and they don't appreciate all you do?

Sometimes I just want to walk away and not put effort into somethings anymore. You can't give of yourself until there's nothing left. Relationships are a two-way street, it's gotta go both ways.

Once, I had a friend; a suppossed "good" friend that I put HUGE effort into. Well this person was a complete flake and I started to pull back. Eventually I pulled back completely. Pretty soon we didn't spend any time together, didn't talk and soon we weren't even what I would consider friends. A few months passed and the person finally approached me and asked me why I was mad at them. What the hell do they think? It wasn't exactly that I was mad, it was that I can't be the only one giving. Ok, so on some level, yes I was mad. But that wasn't the whole of it; APPRECIATE THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND! Make some effort on your part as well.

Appreciation goes for many things; FAMILY, friends, co-workers, assistants, dog walkers, car washers, SUBWAY workers...we tend not to appreciate people around us. People we commuicate and deal with on a daily basis. I know I forget to be thankful for Housekeeping who cleans our hotel rooms every day, my mum who does so much for me, my dad who is attached to my hip (just kidding Papa) or Amy who talks non-stop at work and entertains me. If we want to be appreciated why don't we start with appreciating those around us. We will easily be annoyed that McD's messed up our order, but we fail to be thankful that this time they go it right.

So, in appreciating, we must VOICE how we feel. Say, "I appreciate what you've done" or "I appreicate it when you...". Let's work on it and see how things start to change, how our outlook starts to change. I know I want to be appreciate as your friend, as a professional and as a human being.

The Knife I Hold In My Hand Carries Your Blood

I hurt you and I can feel your pain. God, why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to hurt you so greatly? My heart feels like it is breaking for what I did. I can't make myself think about it, I can't take the pain. Looking in your face and seeing all that you feel all that you want...

Why can't this be over with? Why can't we walk away and pretend it never happened? Why do I have to love and care that your heart is broken in two? Why did I have to be the one who did it? The knife in my hand, with your blood on it. Your heart wrenched in two.

Your passion, your desire, your wants, your needs; they are all slammed in my face. I am frustrated and I can't handle it. I feel nauseous, I feel weak, I feel faint. God, why did it turn out like this? I never wanted it to go down this path. I never wanted you to put yourself on the edge.

You can't help what you want, but I can't help what I want either. What I need is the harder part. Why are the hardest thing and the right thing always the same. I feel weak and vulnerable, I feel horrible. I can't bear the thought of your pain. Why do I feel so....mean?

Why can't it be next week? Why can't it be a year from now? Why can't the pain be erased? I drove the knife that caused your pain. I shut the door that seemed to close your future. You ignore, you become mad, you are hurt.

Your pain isn't as great as mine. The struggle I felt, feel is overbearing. I know this is right, but it feels so completely...difficult. You don't understand, and for now I know you won't. Your life at a stand still. Your dreams tossed to the wolves.

I feel anguish knowing this would happen before it did, knowing I walked in while you were blindly lead to the slaughter. You care so deeply, you want so badly, you seem in such need. I must walk away and allow you to heal. I can't bandage the wounds I caused; I can't correct what I had to do. Pain so great from the wound, but my heart is broken as well.

*(this isn't about doing something wrong, disobedience and such. This is about doing something right and in the process hurting someone, someone you care about. Making the right decision and knowing the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.)*

So last night I was talking with someone I used to be friends with. And we were discussing life dreams and what you want to get out of life. What do you want your life to accomplish? What are your life goals? Now today I have pondered those questions. Honestly, you want my honest answer??

-I don't know-

Well it's not that I don't know, I would say it's more so I'm not sure exactly what I do want. Ok, that I can say either. I know, I know I'm going in circles. Here let me lay it all out for you: sure I'd love to say in the great "5-year plan" (thank you to the movie"Big Daddy") I have a bunch of dreams to have accomplished. I want to be all that I can be. I want to do what God has called me to do. In fact, I think it's what I need. I think everyone needs those two things, but you have to figure out exactly what that is.

So now my question for you is: what are your life dreams? What do you want your life to achieve? What are you going to be known for? No, no this isn't a redundant question, this is a real - hit me with the answer quesiton. I want to know. Hey, what if you have a great dream that I might want to add to my list? And no, I don't care to hear anything crude, rude or quite possibly something that you know is astoundingly ridiculous. Please spare me the gory details. I don't care if you want to win a pie eating contest, though be it an umm...interesting accomplishment. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do?

Are you going to get every last thing you can out of life? Are you going to "suck the marrow" and do all you can? Could you impact the world like Mother Teresa? WOW! Imagine changing lives everyday! Imagine lives still being changed after you are gone! What are you going to do to get everything out of every moment of your life?

"Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

"Suck all the marrow out of life."

John Keating - "Dead Poets Society"

"Dead Poets Society" - if you haven't seen it, watch it. Robin Williams challenges his students to get out there, do what they love and well, mostly he wants them to express themselves! To be the men that he sees in them.

So now it's your turn. Let the world know exactly what you are thinking. For some of you, just putting it out there will be a challenge. Some of you it will bubble out and over flow! It's going to be great.

Peace Within

Cold, afraid and tired she wandered down the streets in search of somewhere to hide for the night. Stumbling on the broken cobblestones of the New York City streets she hurried out of the road. Splashed by the passing taxi she moved closer to the line of buildings along the road. Hurrying away from a large group of people watching her as she passed them, she darted into a storefront entryway. Leaning her head back on the door she savered the warmth coming through the door. She stole a quick glance back in the direction she came. Good noone following me. Afraid of not only the people roaming the streets, she now had grown afraid of the police. Here to protect and serve, yeah right. Dashing back on to the sidewalk she hurried further down the street. In hopes of finding a small area to be hidden for the night, she looked in and out of the shop and apartment entries. Nothing. Afraid she would wander for the night, reaching in her pocket and counting her few dollars again. Only eighteen left. She could spare five for a safe night, couldn't she?

Just then a man grabbed her arm and shoved her against the window of the store she was passing. The window brightly displayed various women's clothing and lingere with bright red and gold Christmas advertisements. She screamed out in pain and he firmly grasped her shoulder with his large hand. "Hello, honey. How much money do you have?" "I...I don't have anything," she barely stammered out. "You little liar and cheat. Give me what you have," he roared back. Fear rushed through her as she stared up at the man pinning her back against the wall.

Not again, she thought. I can't loose what little money I have. She sqeezed her eyes shut as the memories flooded her mind. Memories of beatings, leaving her bleeing and bruised. Times where every penny was stolen from her. And worst of all, rape. The pain she felt. Emptiness that left her cold on the inside and afraid of everyone around her. Physically hurting for weeks. She had no one to help her, to cause her to understand. To help her heal. To wrap their arms around her. Someone to tell her everything would be ok. Someone to help her continue on.

"C'mon Frank, can't you see the girl doesn't have much if she even has anything. Let's go down to the bar. Find a pretty girl down that way." A man pulled Frank off of her. Shoving her back into the wall one last time Frank yelled in her year, "It's your lucky night little girl. Thank God Johnny's buying me a drink!"

She rushed away quickly as soon as he let go. She hurried accross the street. I have to get away from him, far away. Thoughts flooded her mind, fear tracing it's way through every part of her body. Afraid to look back and find Frank rushing to catch her, she ran with all the strength she had left. Don't look back, keep going. She pleaded with her body to cooperate with her mind.

Turning the corner she saw a building lying ahead. Such intricate design. The large windows cascaded light onto the streets in blues, greens, reds and violets. The composition of the building dated back centuries and caused it to stand out in the dingy streets. Looking up at it she felt drawn to it. Three stories high, it seemed to dominate the street. The arrangement of the building with large stained glass windows, great pillars lined the front and created a sense of domination. Her gazed followed up to the steeple that rose out of the roof top. A great design had been carved into the cross. Flowers and words were scribed in it. With the rain falling she couldn't make out the words written on it.

Please be open, please be open. She begged as she ran up the stairs to the front door. It opened quickly as she pushed on the latch bar. Holding the door so it would close quietly, she slipped her shoes off so they wouldn't squeak on the stone floor. Slipping inside the sanctuary quietly her breath left her. The beauty inside far surpassed the beauty of the outside. Peace flooded her as she slipped into a pew towards the back of the large room.

Looking around she noticed she was alone in this room, but heard faint music coming from back behind the stage and pulpit. She took her jacket off and she shook it out. Lying it on the ground underneath the pew in front of her, she hoped it would dry quickly. Bundling her sweater up into a pillow she lay down. Ducking underneath the pew as not to be noticed she curled up into a ball. Sighing deeply she hoped sleep would come quickly. And without the nightmares she had faced since the night she had been raped.

Sleep overtook her quickly. She never even notice she hadn't felt afraid for the first time since she had spent that first night sleeping on the streets. Peace filled her heart. It was a warm feeling on the inside of her.