letting the words go

The things I said I had to. You had to hear them. The words needed to be put out there. Maybe I need to hear myself say them more than anything else. But they were given out of need, a necessity of essense. Almost as if I could no longer survive unless they were said. Time had passed, too much time, since the words should have been spoken. I had waited too long to let go of all I needed to. I felt myself tearing away. It was as if you had stolen apart of me and slowly pieces were following.

The words have been placed in the expanse between us. The miles that have seemed to have formed. You should be able to apprehand my heart and know the harshness of your reality. Now I am better. I have moved on. Life seems acclimatized. Yet, I fear for you and the path you take. Life hands hard choices and I chose the hardest. To speak the words of exactitude. To allow the truth to shine. To hold you accountable for what transpired. Life can be brilliant again. I walk past my broken heart. And allow you the truth to be let go.

Some Songs On My Heart...

Jesus has been working on me...lots. It's great to become more like Jesus. Here are some songs on my heart:

Refiner's Fire
Purify my heart
let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
is to be holy
set apart for You Lord.
I choose to be holy
set apart for you my master,
ready to do your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within



Jesus, Lover Of My Soul (It's All About You)
It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and Your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God and I surrender
To Your ways

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

a love uncomparable

I've been in love before...and I have loved my family...but there is no love like loving a brand new baby. I'm sure plenty of you have seen "A Baby Story" on TLC. You see the mother go through anguish, frustration and most of all unbearable pain. Then the TV seems to radiate bliss and an immense amount of love. It's almost as if you can assimilate all the excitement and sentiment going on.

It is astounding to watch on TV, but to see a new life begin in person is remarkable. The mother wants so desperately to birth the child, a task so greatly instinct one cannot describe it, yet must bear seemingly endless pain. But the mother will endure almost anything to see the tast through.


The child is born and it seems as if all time stops - there are these few moments when a minute is no longer limited to sixty seconds. The little life searches for comfort and warmth trying to distinguish the world they have burst into. The smell of a new baby is forever etched in one's mind - not the smell of a dirty diaper - the smell of softness, life, love and strangely, it is as if you can smell their innocence.

This is when love comes in. The love you feel rushes up like water bubbling in a brook. The love is uncontainable. The new life you wish to protect, guide and more than anything cherish forever. They need you and you need them. In this world we live in a new baby is to be apprized. Their sweetness and innocence a high commodity we must hold on to for as long as possible.

To love a new child is to love oneself before we were ruined, before we had lost all the preciousness of life, innocence and love.

pictures in my heart

The memories have begun to fade. Like an old photograph discolored and brown with time, wrinkled with wear and tearing at the edges. I said goodbye to you, but I wish it had never been. It seems like yesterday I saw your face. Time has continued on for far too long. I think back to the days when you were near. The moments we spent together; reading, taking walks, softball games, Mexico, France, Texas, laughing on the beach walking in the sand…just being there with you. I learned from you, your patience ever my teacher. My disobedience, anger or shame no match to your love. Silent listening, smiling with compassion you always were. Pretending to be mad was even difficult for you. The nod of your head and I knew what you were thinking, no words were necessary. Wisdom instilled in my life, I waited for your letters in the mail, and I waited for the demonstration of your love. The little words of kindness, the little moments you took for me. You correction and guidance always evident, but given with compassion and grace. Although the memories fade, they'll never go away. At the forefront of my mind they will stay.

I look, I see you there, my heart races…but my eyes blink and it was only a vision. A wish my heart played into my head. The need for you…your love. The need for the strength inside of you. Holding your hand once again. I wish to be a child at your side. I wish for you to hold me and let me cry. I wish for your wisdom to be given to me, I feel I don't have enough. I wish Gracie didn't have a lack of your time. She needs you as much as I do. I wish that you were coming to visit. I wish Christmas was the same. I wish you hadn't felt pain. I never wanted you to leave. I wish I had been closer. I wish I wouldn't have been forced into the place I was. I wish people would have cared more…understood may be the word. I wish it hadn't have been your time. But time was not what we have left. You're happier today. I know you smile from afar. I still miss you every day. In my heart I keep you. I guard our memories there, it is my picture frame to keep them from fading away.