The Knife I Hold In My Hand Carries Your Blood

I hurt you and I can feel your pain. God, why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to hurt you so greatly? My heart feels like it is breaking for what I did. I can't make myself think about it, I can't take the pain. Looking in your face and seeing all that you feel all that you want...

Why can't this be over with? Why can't we walk away and pretend it never happened? Why do I have to love and care that your heart is broken in two? Why did I have to be the one who did it? The knife in my hand, with your blood on it. Your heart wrenched in two.

Your passion, your desire, your wants, your needs; they are all slammed in my face. I am frustrated and I can't handle it. I feel nauseous, I feel weak, I feel faint. God, why did it turn out like this? I never wanted it to go down this path. I never wanted you to put yourself on the edge.

You can't help what you want, but I can't help what I want either. What I need is the harder part. Why are the hardest thing and the right thing always the same. I feel weak and vulnerable, I feel horrible. I can't bear the thought of your pain. Why do I feel so....mean?

Why can't it be next week? Why can't it be a year from now? Why can't the pain be erased? I drove the knife that caused your pain. I shut the door that seemed to close your future. You ignore, you become mad, you are hurt.

Your pain isn't as great as mine. The struggle I felt, feel is overbearing. I know this is right, but it feels so completely...difficult. You don't understand, and for now I know you won't. Your life at a stand still. Your dreams tossed to the wolves.

I feel anguish knowing this would happen before it did, knowing I walked in while you were blindly lead to the slaughter. You care so deeply, you want so badly, you seem in such need. I must walk away and allow you to heal. I can't bandage the wounds I caused; I can't correct what I had to do. Pain so great from the wound, but my heart is broken as well.

*(this isn't about doing something wrong, disobedience and such. This is about doing something right and in the process hurting someone, someone you care about. Making the right decision and knowing the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.)*

So last night I was talking with someone I used to be friends with. And we were discussing life dreams and what you want to get out of life. What do you want your life to accomplish? What are your life goals? Now today I have pondered those questions. Honestly, you want my honest answer??

-I don't know-

Well it's not that I don't know, I would say it's more so I'm not sure exactly what I do want. Ok, that I can say either. I know, I know I'm going in circles. Here let me lay it all out for you: sure I'd love to say in the great "5-year plan" (thank you to the movie"Big Daddy") I have a bunch of dreams to have accomplished. I want to be all that I can be. I want to do what God has called me to do. In fact, I think it's what I need. I think everyone needs those two things, but you have to figure out exactly what that is.

So now my question for you is: what are your life dreams? What do you want your life to achieve? What are you going to be known for? No, no this isn't a redundant question, this is a real - hit me with the answer quesiton. I want to know. Hey, what if you have a great dream that I might want to add to my list? And no, I don't care to hear anything crude, rude or quite possibly something that you know is astoundingly ridiculous. Please spare me the gory details. I don't care if you want to win a pie eating contest, though be it an umm...interesting accomplishment. Where are you going to go? What are you going to do?

Are you going to get every last thing you can out of life? Are you going to "suck the marrow" and do all you can? Could you impact the world like Mother Teresa? WOW! Imagine changing lives everyday! Imagine lives still being changed after you are gone! What are you going to do to get everything out of every moment of your life?

"Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

"Suck all the marrow out of life."

John Keating - "Dead Poets Society"

"Dead Poets Society" - if you haven't seen it, watch it. Robin Williams challenges his students to get out there, do what they love and well, mostly he wants them to express themselves! To be the men that he sees in them.

So now it's your turn. Let the world know exactly what you are thinking. For some of you, just putting it out there will be a challenge. Some of you it will bubble out and over flow! It's going to be great.